F39
After the heartbreak.
April 30 2018
Comments
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AnnieWhichway
8 years ago
Most have been where you have been or are now. And everyone is different in the time it takes. Yeah it hurts but it resolves eventually. And everyone is different how they tackle it. Some wait like you have, some get out and have a gangbang a few weeks later (waves....). Only you know where you are at. An aimless one night stand might get the cobwebs out but might also make you miss him more. Best middle of the road advice is just get out and meet people be it at a meet and greet or a swingers bar. Sooner or later you will meet someone that will get you wet enough to hop on.
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clarky1976
8 years ago
I've been trying for ten years to find the magic fix for a broken heart starting to think there isn't one if you do find it please tell me
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RHP User
8 years ago
my experience is only my experience - there'll probably be 100+ different tips from everyone here... I took about 6-8 months before I was in a frame to try dating again, but probably was about 18 months before I was properly over it from my last break. Whenever I felt down about it, I had to in that moment choose to move on each time - when the feelings return, everytime you make that choice to move on again, it gets easier. But that said she wasn't my best friend... As for them being your best friend? from my experience if it's over, it's over - trying to maintain a friendship is never going to work, and in my experience, maintaining a "best friends" platonic relationship with someone that used to be at a committed level will stop you from being emotionally available to meet someone else. Sure sex is always out there, but as long as you maintain that best friends status, moving on isn't likely to happen, and sex can just mask that when the underneath hasn't been dealt with. Even more than that, if you start a relationship with someone else, they could well question your feelings for them verbally or internally if they know you're still 'best friends' with your ex. None of my business at all, but I'm curious and find it hard to understand how one can be dating and engaged, then have it be over and still remain best friends - and that's not judgemental at all btw, I just personally find it hard to understand how that can work as for my personal experience, being friends after any type of relationship is over has never been able to work. The other person that has tried to be friends just takes time to maintain a friendship that stopped me from moving on. I'm not saying it can't work, but I don't think it's in your best interests. Happy for people to tell me I'm wrong and that it's worked for them, but just my 2 cents... wish you all the best Sarah
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HotNightsGC
8 years ago
Only you will really know when you’re ready. For me it was about 4 months after my marriage ended. Knowing full well the damage that was done to my self esteem by living with a narcissist for so long, I knew I needed to experience much more to find out who I really was. So I guess it really depends on what you’ve been through and if your ready to do more than kissing. I’m guessing that if you’re posting this forum then the desire is definitely there. Maybe take another small step if you’re not entirely sure. It doesn’t need to be full on sexual. If it feels ok, then take another...... you get my drift xx Ms HNP xxxx - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Thank you all so much for the replies. So to answer your question notmyrealname... How do we stay besties? We were besties before we got together. I know him so so well, and I know that he is super fucked up. (Childhood damage, physical damage, emotional damage, ex damage etc) but... I fell in love with him,I thought we could make it work, knowing all this, but try as I might.... It wasn't meant to be. He is who he is, and somethings we can't change as much as we would like to. I don't hate him. But.... Yes.... I'm starting to think I may need some space... I want to meet somebody. Necessity is the mother of invention and while I still have that connection with him.... I'm not gonna find it with anyone else. Hmmmmmm Thank you all. Given me much to think about 😘 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Your own pace Boo, But there's something in what both Annie and HNP are saying. Hope that your spirits lift soon. In the meantime, headup and tits out. Knock 'em dead
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EarthQueen
8 years ago
I'm just writing from my POV from my breakup from a person with narcissistic personality type. Hope its helpful. We broke up about 2 years ago. I couldn't stay friends with him. He wanted to but it wasn't in my emotional best interests to do so at the time as I was still deeply in love with him when we broke up. When i took that path I got to see the real him and it wasn't pretty. He was used to me being his bestie, listening to him, helping him out, giving him emotional support etc. All on his terms. I didn't get it back from him. Yes he had a fucked up childhood as well. I felt sorry for him, but in the end it was my mental and emotional health that I had to foster. I had to learn to basically stop caring for him and look after myself. Otherwise I would have never have recovered. So I cut off all but essential contact and focused on myself and the kids. It sounds harsh but at the time it seemed the only way. It was also on the recommendation of my counsellor at the time. It took me a year to even think about seeing anyone else. Then I joined here and thought I could fuck him out of my system. As interesting as that was it didn't really work. I did have some fun and meet some great people but it didn't make me miss him less. It was just trying to fill another emotional hole. It just took time and similar to what NotMYRealName said retraining my brain to not think about him. I exercised a lot, focused on my health and did a lot of meditation, bawled my eyes out to my friends, saw a counsellor(Very useful) and read many self help books as well. Last week I went to a gig and ran into him there. First I freaked out a bit and then after a while I actually forgot he was there. I honestly didn't care. I think thats when I realised I was over him. You will recover it just takes time. Don't rush the sex thing. Just do it 'cause it feels right or cause you want to at the time. All the best, I know its hard xx
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RHP User
8 years ago
Earthqueen Thank you 😘 I have told him things need to change.... Things already feel distant and unnatural. But I'm determined to get past this bit and move on with my life. The impulse to reach out and fix things is strong.... But if I can just get past this initial... Discomfort?.... Hopefully I can finally be happy again. Thank you again. - Posted from rhpmobile
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technologic
8 years ago
I was in a best-friends-break-up situation too. For me it was not possible to maintain the friendship at a 'best friend' level but at least we're still friends. I found meeting new people was super helpful (especially when they're really into you). Taking this opportunity to 'discover' yourself again & revel in just BEing by yourself is also wonderful. Good luck! Listen to your heart, give time to tears & pain. it will come and go in waves, just don't fight it. When things are difficult, remember - this too will pass and you will be ALRIGHT. :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Just bang someone hot and interesting and help get it out of your system. Apparently that can work
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MsSuperFoxy
8 years ago
Grieve and do what you have too. Then put those cherished memories in a pretty box and tie a ribbon around it. One day when the time is right, you can open it and say "What the fuck, was I thinking". Time does heal many wounds. Ms Foxy
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MsSuperFoxy
8 years ago
I'll admit, I've never been "in-love". Scares the absolute bejesus out of me. My advice, dont do it! 😂 Ms Foxy
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RHP User
8 years ago
There will be no time line to move on Sarah. Deep down just follow what your gut feeling tells you. Im finishing a relationship after 9 yrs and best mates etc, im not sure what i will do next either, but i doubt i will stay best friends as i wont emotiibally be able to move on if im living in the past. Good luck and i doubt youll have any problems finding anyine on here. Funkwithme1 - Posted from rhpmobile
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Rlee552
8 years ago
This is a journey that is incredibly personal to you - and no one can define how you move through and when you move through those stages. Sometimes it can be as simple as just waking up and forcing yourself to break through a barrier - a first step. Sometimes it requires something symbolic - a way of saying I am responsible for the choices I make and no one has control over what I am feeling. To take back that control, accept who you are, be grateful for the people who were part of the journey; but you no longer bring me value and so I say goodbye.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I dont think you ever do. Those ones are very special. What you can do tho, is build on that for better. Thats how I am getting through it. It just takes time and resiliance. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
I would suggest just let someone treat you like you are important to them again. Go on a dinner date 😉 Let me know in keen i know few really good places for that them see where it goes 😁 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
In my own experiences with staying bestmates (soulmates) With that particular sexual endless furfilling moment times after times , the thought of ever finding this in another Giving /recieving 100% pleasure seems very unlikely but with hope ,compromise,positively we all have in us to find another on here or out there good luck !
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RHP User
8 years ago
It usually comes back to taking your time and being patient, doesn't it. I once thought that banging someone...anyone...would make me feel better longterm, but time showed me that I was mistaken.Even "speeding up the process" turns out to be part of the process. Frankly, there's no hurry...it's just the idea we're missing out on something that's prodding us.
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OzRednecks
8 years ago
Oh Sarahboo, my heart broke reading your situation. Time does heal (sometimes not completely). Being your best friend is putting you between a rock and a hard place. Do what is right for you. Put yourself first (it's not a crime). Focus on you and ask yourself what you want in life (do not include people in that list.) More like goals, feelings (how you want to feel, ie: free, happy,) career change? Travel, etc etc. Sounds like you were trying to save him (and maybe others) but be careful you don't drown trying to keep others afloat. Take your time and find something to smile about each day. I wish you all the best on your road to recovery xx Mrs Oz xx
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AnnieWhichway
8 years ago
Best thing you can do is listen to your own mind. Take in an analyse what your friends are family are saying....maybe.But it's not them in your situation. Friends and family can be shit at giving advice. Most should mind their own business. My wife and I have been separated for over 3 years. We both have our own lives, have lived separately for over 2 yrs. Despite turmoil of events and separation we are best friends. Most of her friends and family told her to cast me aside, go to town with the solicitors and get what she could. I walked away from all our fiends and most of my family because of hostility.But having been together for over 20 years, we had become mates above all else and despite everything, we are best friends. Not many can work it out. Yes I did the wrong thing, hiding my true self, (Annie) for most of it and my bisexuality. We have both been to hell and back.But friendship shined through the crap in the end. She lied to her family about our friendship, and also to the guys she was seeing, because no one understood. There is no intimacy, just solid friendship and having each other's back in traumatic times.I was unable to attend her fathers funeral through threat of violence from her son. He was my father in law and friend for 20 years. Sometimes you need to stand up for your friends. Those that get you.Yeah, maybe she didn't get the Annie bit. She had evidence of Annie quite a few times and the heartache and arguments that followed. No acceptance. It lead to eventual breakup.Now a few years on, she has accepted the real me. Last month she met Annie in Sydney, for the first time in 23 years.She held my hand when we went out for dinner, like girlfriends.That's what besties do. So OP, anything is possible for friends if you both want it. Friendship can outlast sex. Friendship can outlast anything.Dont let anyone tell you different
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Hawt1
8 years ago
From the love of my life.. it doesn't sting anymore when I recall that guy in my bed. Bet I scaired the shit out of him when I came home at 3 am and turned the light on. It has lost its shine though.. the thought of sorting it out with her.. it took 11 years. What can I say, when I fall, I fall deep. Felt like I was dying at the time.. I just shut down, emotionally and physically afterwards. A banging spree as pushed into by my mates did me the world of good to start living again. Realised it is MY LIFE and I will not waste it. Hard to let go suddenly when you built an image in your head of the future. Hold on to your guns, experiment with whatever you might like to choose to do. Your happiness is your responsibility, so do what makes you happy. We still talk, we understand each others heads so well... good friends after everything I would say (after some time and a very grandiose apology). Good luck and dont quit looking after you..!
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RHP User
8 years ago
This is a situation that comes up in relationships sometimes; a painful situation, but not an infrequent one. One partner in the relationship loses the attachment, while the other partner does not. Often, this happens silently, without any fanfare or obvious signs, and the partner who remains attached to the relationship doesn’t know what is happening. Then, one day and seemingly out of the blue, the partner who has detached from the relationship announces that he or she is leaving and that there is no possibility of further discussion; no ambivalence to play on; no possibility of salvaging things. You need to let him go and to not divorce yourself from him emotionally at this time is to decide to suffer. People sometimes get obsessional and cannot stop thinking about him/her... If you fit that pattern, your heart will not give you permission to let him go. So, if that is the case, your head will have to do the dirty work. How do you do this? You start living your life as though the relationship were truly over. You take down the pictures, get rid of the clothing and the possessions that remind you of him, you stop making phone calls and putting effort into trying to bring him back into your life, you work on filling in your empty nights with friends or projects. If you start behaving as though it is over, at some point it will be over. (Ms)
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RHP User
8 years ago
Simple, start doing things that makes you happy, And look for a good distraction - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Reminiscing about all the mistakes I made being young an silly with the first girl I was madly in love with an it’s been more than a year not a day that goes by that she’s not in my mind I’m only on here thinking she’s secretly on here - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
But I find no contact and not being reminded of them is easier for me to heal. But we all have our own coping strategies. Good luck xx
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