F56
Agree or Disagree?
December 23 2014
Comments
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RHP User
11 years ago
Don't Fear the Reaper. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Do unto others 20% better than you would expect them to do to you, to correct for subjective error.
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RHP User
11 years ago
That statement reads to me like you should assess the other person's actions carefully before deciding on how much of yourself to give in return, and to keep doing so throughout the relationship. Sounds like mind games to me. When I invest in someone, the "how much" is about what I'm comfortable giving, not about how much the other will give in return. I'm not a fan of an "What's in it it for me" attitude. To take it away from romance: I've cared deeply for people who did not care about me, and that is just fine because I don't think investing in another human being ever requires a response. I don't believe caring about people is giving them a gift, so I would never ask they "return the favour", so to speak. Great topic.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I'm giving you this Maxim to hear your thoughts on: "You're either part of the solution or part of the problem." Would love to hear everyone else's comments too, as I'm on the fence about this one.
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RHP User
11 years ago
for example, where a person is fighting to keep a relationship alive and is doing all of the work while the other takes advantage of the situation...then maybe we'd agree.
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RHP User
11 years ago
...to give of ones self only half heartedly..out of a fear of being hurt..yet to expect love and affection unconditionally,seems somewhat hypocritical. And don't most of us want unconditional affection in one form or another?One should always be aware of some of the possible repercussions of our actions..but you can't plan for everything. Takes the excitement out of some decisions, anyway. Really, fear is the only thing to fear.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Wise investments always pay off. That sounds stingy to me, from one of those people who are always measuring. Insecure to the max.
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RHP User
11 years ago
If you care about someone and invest in them, you either make that person happy and the situation is pretty good, or they let you down and you just have to just nurse your bruised feelings and recognise it as another life experience. Maybe my view is too simplistic, but you can't stop caring for other people.
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RHP User
11 years ago
As I need all the help I can get with little to offer back.
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Smilingwithfun
11 years ago
They must have led an emotionally empty life.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Of caring...when we love and care for others it is beneficial to us too..But sometimes we can care too much,we can become disempowering with our care...sometimes we do need to let go ,but generosity of spirit is a wonderful thing. ...I cared very much for my ex,but he did not feel the same about me...when I left it only took him six months to find another...they have now been happily married for nearly thirty years...I'm truly happy for him....And I now realise that we were terribly mismatched and me,I just ain't wife material:) ..great topic btw BL xxFreya
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RHP User
11 years ago
Great maxim ;) I'm all about solving problems so I tend to agree with that saying. I don't think a person necessarily has to be one or the other, but I do think that if an interested/impacted person is not actively part of the solution (even if they caused the problem) they're automatically ONLY a part of the problem. It's common for me to say to people, particularly at work, "what's your plan", or "how would you like to deal with that". I like people who get active about solutions. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Oh yeah.....it's hypocrisy.... I'll explain more when I pull over.... 😊 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
When we contact someone for the first time, we are INVESTING our time, emotion, and our headspace in order to float our potential entity in the emotional stock market. Every contact, every thought, every minute we spend with each other is an investment of ourselves. IF.... That entity becomes unbalanced and only one person is investing (maintaining contact, visits, etc) then why should that one person continue to invest when there's clearly no return on their investment?? You wouldn't do it with your money on the stock exchange so why would you continue to invest yourself into an entity between people?? Sure it's a give and take thing much like the stock exchange but it's emotional suicide to continue to pour yourself into such an entity that's offering the returns that's reasonably expected.....much like the stock exchange... Here's the hypocrisy..... How many times have we seen on these forums whereby a guy or girl has asked "how long should I wait before moving on once I've sent a message??" A fair bit....the overwhelming advice on those threads are simple....she's/he's just not that into you....aka she/he is not willing to INVEST their time and effort into replying so take your investment to someone that's willing to invest in you...in other words stop investing into someone that's not investing the same amount into you.... Yet we see here that that advice is now rubbish it would seem.... So I agree....invest only as much into those entity's that are visibly investing the same amount back otherwise you're bound to get burnt..... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'sir_stir' how long should I wait before moving on once I've sent a message??" the overwhelming advice on those threads are simple....she's/he's just not that into you....aka she/he is not willing to INVEST their time and effort into replying so take your investment to someone that's willing to invest in you...in other words stop investing into someone that's not investing the same amount into you.... I don't think that's the same thing. The example you just gave is about someone not replying. That's not the same as "investing less in you then you do in them", that's someone not engaging at all.Not much you can do there, no point in trying to talk to a wall. However if you started seeing someone and you'd always be the initiating contact, keeping things going, etc. then it would be up to you to decide if it was worth continuing. For a lot of people it is (I know a few couples like that) and there's nothing wrong with that I think, if they are content with the situation. I believe no one has the right to judge and say a relationship has to be 50/50. That's up to the people in it and only their business, until they bring it up in conversation and/or ask for advice. My 2cts.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I think someone unwilling to invest at all (not replying) is still a disproportionate level of investment. However much it may be based upon technicality. We wouldn't continue to message someone(a form of investment) if that level of investment(replies) wasn't reciprocal.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
No matter what that "statement" says, I know that both my husband and I have "invested" more in a particular person than that particular person has invested in us. The reason that we have done so, is "Love". It doesn't matter if that "Love" is not returned in the same way as we would have liked or that sometimes we are misunderstood. We just continue to do what we are doing and hope that one day, that particular person will experience a great "dawning". You can't place a value on "Love". Amy
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RHP User
11 years ago
"You're either part of the solution or part of the problem." If this is in reference to , for example, 2 people ( let's call them A and B) interacting with one another in an argument where both people become upset with each other, then I would tend to agree with the above statement. To solve the problem, both A and B need to apologise to each other. It can't be a one sided thing. So both "parts" are equally important in either solving the problem or keeping it alight. Amy
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RHP User
11 years ago
For argument's sake, let's say this: The trade in sex slaves is a big problem in Australia. I'm not involved in coming up with a solution, I don't donate, don't sign the petitions, don't demonstrate, etc. etc. Am I then part of the problem? Is it that simple?
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RHP User
11 years ago
I think it's a reference to people who are generous in their relationships- they invest their time, effort, emotional energy and heart and soul. If, over time, the effort is one sided then they should pull back. If the other person has not invested similarly it's because they're just not that into you. Sure, relationships ebb and flow, one gets snowed under at work, the other has a family crisis- they might need support for a while and may not be able to put in, it's not always going to be even-Steven but there should not be a huge imbalance either. Re- solutions and problems... I'm not so black and white.
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RHP User
11 years ago
As I have said here before, one of my favourite mantra is the prayer of St Ignatius which includes the line "to give and not to count the cost". Relationships are not an accounting exercise, and even if one party is perceived to be putting in more effort, then as long as they are both happy, who is to say it is wrong. On the other, I also remember my father's guiding principle whenever we went to the track. Never wager more than you are prepared to lose.
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madotara69
11 years ago
"Don't invest more in another person than they invest in you." I don't agree with the idea, as much as to say "sometimes you need to lose a friend to lose a problem" Mado Mado Tara xx
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RHP User
11 years ago
There's such a thing as 'small a' activism, where you stand up for things that matter when it matters. This doesn't mean you adopt the issue as a cause, but for example you might speak up when others are making jokes or bragging about sex slavery, or you might choose not to travel somewhere that has a whole tourism industry built around sex slavery. There are many ways to be part of the solution. Non-participation in the problem is a small but not inconsequential start. Also, the maxim you put forwarded is generally not intended to relate to things that are at a far distance from your own life. Not that those things aren't worth solving, but there's an implicit understanding (within that maxim, and generally) that not everyone can be involved in solving everything, and therefore it's valuable (and has a compound effect across the globe) if we all stand up for things that matter, that are around us, in our close to near-ish vicinity. - Posted from rhpmobile
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girlbicurious
11 years ago
I believe that you should give 100% to a relationship, however, you may have to believe in yourself enough to be able to walk away from the relationship if it is not going where you want it.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'SimpleNeeds2' Never wager more than you are prepared to lose.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' I'm giving you this Maxim to hear your thoughts on: "You're either part of the solution or part of the problem." Would love to hear everyone else's comments too, as I'm on the fence about this one. REGULARLY
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RHP User
11 years ago
Nothing like tripping over and falling head over heals, dam the consequences. I mean what is the worst that could happen, they break your heart. If I love someone and they find even a small space who am I to argue, better then walking the cold jungle in fear of being hurt. I say invest all you want, it is easy to give and so much harder to withhold. I challenge anyone to be able to draw up a balance sheet of emotional investment, and if the budget is out, how to pay, in tears, or in warm hugs. 30 days, pay up two hugs, and a thimble of tears or I am setting the debit collectors on your pretty ass. Where do people get these strange notions. I am with the OP, pure poppy cock.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Ripping posts. Love your work. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
It can, and does often hurt, but at least you are the true one.!Opening ones soul means you are vulnerable......you get hurt.......that sucks!But I wouldnt have it any other way.But it does seriously hurt.trick is to not become angry.....wow......that is a voyage.......And to avoid emotional damage.. question...... should we be strong and resilient or take the hits??????
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RHP User
11 years ago
I am a giver and am currently sick of giving, seems my investments are poor with no return so I am done with investing at all atm so I can understand both perspectives. I love to give but to not receive time and time again, you really do need to stop and take stock of your own well being. I am giving at the expense of my mental health, my physical health, my emotional heath and my sexual health. As a giver, I don't feel like I have a choice. I love to give, it is my nature so if I can't give fully then I feel like I should not give at all. If I am not investing how I should but keep giving for nothing in return, then I am a fool. I am not a taker but I do like to receive and I think there needs to be some sort of payoff or you are just being used. If I had a worthwhile investment then I would sink everything into it. Ka-ching!!
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RHP User
11 years ago
Just invest in you ...give to you .that will be the very best investment you ever make..😀hugs Freya xx
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RHP User
11 years ago
Has always been a giver. Now, 50 years into her adult life, she's bitter and resentful. She always did things for others selflessly, except it wasn't really selfless, it was with a deeply hidden expectation that people would repay her kindness. She gave to the point of exhaustion even when loved ones begged her to stop. She gave out of a fierce pride that meant she always had to give first, never receive, and always had to be in their first solving other people's' problems. She gave even when people asked her to leave them to it and they'd work it out themselves. And now she believes the world owes her. Her older years are full of discontent and heartache. Her giving was a form of interference that many people didn't want and are pleased has stopped. People are relieved she's out of their hair, and they have some peace from her opinions/actions about their lives. But she's sad and lonely, wondering why no-one is returning her decades and decades of giving. Like Meander said, I think any investment in another person needs to be done without expectation. That's hard when relationships need to be a two way street. So the bridge between no expectation and a relationship, seems to me to be open communication and the strength to walk away when something has become unhealthy for you. - Posted from rhpmobile
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AnnieWhichway
11 years ago
I am one of those referred to as damaged or in my terms, fucked up. Out of 10 l'm probably a 12. First to admit it though.As far as love goes, haven't experienced it for 20 years. As far as close friends I have to say the same. It was a lover and friend. Men I cannot/will not love one again. That is not negotiable. One destroyed my world forever and the reason I don't like homophobic men. I use men for sex only and then dispose. Can a man become my friend? That is an unknown and maybe answered by having an FB. A woman I could possibly love but that is unknown until it/if happens. Women friends is the only path that is a possibility. But having not had a friend for so long, the whole idea is inviting and equally frightening at the same time. I am scared of being hurt, scared of hurting or disappointing others. Scared of not measuring up to what a good friend should be. I have 2 online friends that i appreciate so much but in the last day or 2, one of those has turned into a grey ghost and not sure if i will ever chat to again. Life is like a revolving door. I'm standing at that door watching it rotate. Just not sure how to get into it. Not sure if i should get into it. Easier just standing watching maybe. Anniie
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RHP User
11 years ago
I hear ya...loud and clear.... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
"Don't invest more in another person than they invest in you." "Invest" is something you do to get a return, as opposed to "give" which doesn't (or shouldn't) create any expectations. When investing it should always be clear there is an expectation of return. If not, then you should move on rather than continue to make a losing investment (or accept that you are giving, not investing). That's the solution, and to do otherwise just makes you part of the problem.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I have never really been like that woman until recently when I realised I was not getting back. I know when to stop and unfortunately it never really starts. I do however have a sister like that and she is unrelenting. My grievances stem from feeling as though I am not worth investing in, not because I want to control what people do in return, I just want someone to want me as much as I do them.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thank you, I am :) And gorgeous pic xo
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RHP User
11 years ago
I am someone who will give the person I care about 150% yet find it almost impossible to accept it back, I am too broken from a previous relationship. When someone does something nice for me I start questioning why, I refuse to accept that they did it for me, that there must be an ulterior motive. I think it's normal to have one person giving more than the other. We are all different people with different comfort levels, and different upbringings. You just need to work out what you are comfortable accepting in return - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
Youve always got me. A bit brassy and tarnished maybe, but once a friend always a friend. And you are much appreciated too. Im like you, been let down many times, but I still want to see the best in everyone? We are only human after all, we cant really control our feelings however much we want to? Look forward to our next chat, get those sky highs on and rock Christmas! xxxx
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'SimonDoes' "Don't invest more in another person than they invest in you." "Invest" is something you do to get a return, as opposed to "give" which doesn't (or shouldn't) create any expectations. From FreeDictionary: 1. To commit (money or capital) in order to gain a financial return: invested their savings in stocks and bonds.2.a. To spend or devote for future advantage or benefit: invested much time and energy in getting a good education.b. To devote morally or psychologically, as to a purpose; commit:"Men of our generation are invested in what they do, womenin what we are"(Shana Alexander).3. To endow with authority or power: The Constitution invests Congress with the power to make laws.4. To install in office with ceremony: invest a new emperor.5. To provide with an enveloping or pervasive quality: "A charm invests a face / Imperfectly beheld" (Emily Dickinson).6. Archaica. To clothe; adorn.b. To cover completely; envelop.c. To surround with troops or ships; besiege.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I tend to agree with this statement. I also think many of you are taking it out of context. There has to be a balance and I believe this is what the statement is saying. We have all heard the sob stories in here of people falling for thier FWB - did you over invest your emotional well being in them? Why would I invest more in a person emotionally if I am not to receive the same back (Fuck That) Now, this is very different to general friendships, work colleagues and so on, where I am not concerned with who gives/invests (call it what you like) what. In these scenarios I invest heavily with some times little return - that's life and I have no expectation. To say however that a person is happy giving more than the other - they may well be for now. Many a couple who split up, one always say's they gave and never received anything back. I think we as humans will only do this for so long. I thought I was happy. ....
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'inspirit' I tend to agree with this statement. I also think many of you are taking it out of context. That's the thing with Maxims though, isn't it? They are such broad statements, they can be interpreted however anyone wants I think. An exception would be Simon's "There's more than one way to skin a cat" Waaaay to specific.
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JustJessie
11 years ago
After walking away from my marriage a few months ago and subsequently losing a few "friendships", I vowed to myself that I would never let myself be in a relationship (romantic, sexual, friendship), where the energy I put into it wasn't reciprocated to a similar level. Yes, you need to give to get back, but if someone is constantly drawing on your energy and not giving back in some way then that to me is a poisonous relationship. I don't think that's selfish. I don't think that's me expecting a return in my investment, an eye for an eye style. But I for one will not stick around to be used and abused by someone, draining me emotional and quite often physically, and never making me feel like the effort is valued by them. And honestly, if I wasn't giving a similar level of energy to someone as they were giving me, I'd probably end that relationship. I don't want someone giving me their time, love, money etc, if I know I'm not able to connect with them and give it back to that same degree. As for my own maxim... "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing" is probably a favourite of mine. I think it was originally used in a religious setting, which is totally not my bag, but I still think it rings true in our society. A lot of people get away with a lot of fucked up things that could have been avoided if someone had the balls to step in and say "not on my watch". That being said, the world is so PC these days that people are afraid that even the simplest of actions may be criticised and twisted to look completely different.
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moreforyou69
11 years ago
Nothing is permanent, reality is a hoax, and people will let us down. The kicker is we too are people. It's all rubbish! Stop picking life apart and get on with living. Yay! - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
I thought I was answering how I perceived the said statement - yanno in my opinion (which I think is a very direct statement and not a maxim) - was that not what the OP was searching for - a perception of that statement. I think my chickens are in a row and the pot has boiled I try not to jump to conclusions though. Did I miss the point? Maybe.
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RHP User
11 years ago
"Don't invest more in another person than they invest in you." It is almost impossible to perfectly balance the efforts put into a relationship with the benefits that you draw from it, there will always be some imbalance, even if only due to the people involved having different perceptions and weightings of the elements involved. Therefore, in an absolute sense, the statement is rubbish to me as the perfectly balanced state is so rare. However, in a relative sense, it is quite meaningfull. If things deteriorate to the point where your efforts are not being appreciated and you are contributing far more than you are getting back, then I believe that you would be right in questioning where things are going, open the topic for serious discusion and seek to reallign the relationship to a more even footing, or terminate it. Yes, there are powerfull emotions involved, but you should be able to set limits to the relationship imbalance and take action once the limits are exceeded. The difficult part is establishing and communicating the limits, and dealing with the sense of loss if you end up walking away. But better to walk away and live another day than stay and be taken for granted forever more.
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RHP User
11 years ago
In regard to your comment : "The trade in sex slaves is a big problem in Australia. I'm not involved in coming up with a solution, I don't donate, don't sign the petitions, don't demonstrate, etc. etc." My reply is : You can't do everything for everybody. It's not a sensible proposition. You have to pick your "Causes". Amy
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'SimpleNeeds2' Never wager more than you are prepared to lose. All investment is a gamble, we are all gamblers, though where the punt is made varies. The application of the rule "Never wager more than you are prepared to lose" never determines the reason to play. The wise player considers the win against the loss and applies that over how often the game can be played. As emotional investment comes from a pool that is continuous, infinite, there is never a loss so great to break you. To hold back is to lose. Double up when the resource is infinite, you are always guaranteed a win.
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RHP User
11 years ago
After awhile it does drain you then the love fizzles naturally..but generally I don't like one sided relationships. If it feels like there is absolutely no love in return then it is a bad love and that would be the only time I agree. Otherwise I don't keep score. Kinda reminds me of my sister making my mother count the chips so it is fair between us. Silly games realistically but the hurt would be deep if my mum gave all the chips to me (or sis) every single time......lol silly analogy but I hope you get my drift. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
At first I disagreed with the statement.... As a person who is prepared to see a person for who they are, get to know them and take that time to get to know a person, I am prepared to invest that time. So on that level, I most certainly disagree. But looking deeper, if that is not returned over a longer period of time, then one had to question the investment of that time and assess if the investment of time, energy, etc is of value. Is this investment in the other person coming a a personal cost and should it be reigned in. I don't subscribe to allowing ones-self to be treated as a door mat, so a balance must be struck. There are givers and takers..... there are those who will take everything that someone will give and not even think to give back until a person stops giving, but by then damage is done. So. I think it should not be viewed as a literal statement, but a caution.... be careful not to invest to much if you are not receiving a measure back.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I think instinct and experience should tell us whether we should pull out of something...it really doesn't need quantifying or intellectualising. Decide if you are getting what you need, if not...ask. If still not...jump ship.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Great topic! I have two long standing lovers that I care about a great deal. They do not know each other but know of each other. I met them outside of RHP. Both of them have gone as quiet as the grave over the last week. Not for the first time. Both I have given, and given, and given to. And they have given to me too. But when is enough, enough? In one instance, we had plans to meet on a certain day and he just didn't show. No txt, phone call, nothing. And nothing since. What happened? I spent the day waiting and wondering and yes, hurting. In the other instance, my FWB (who introduced me to RHP) lives in his own time and comes and goes as he pleases. Again this leaves me waiting and wondering and hurting. I feel that they have no regard for me as a person, for my time I set aside for them (when I could be doing something else) or for my feelings in general. Is this fair? Is it right? And how many times can I continue to repeat this? I don't know, like I said, great topic, and great comments. My maxims are: 1. People will believe what they want to believe and 2. Each to their own.
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RHP User
11 years ago
I believe in doing something once and doing it right. So, relationships for me are never looked at as an "investment". I give because I want to give and that is what I can give - I don't expect nor want anything in return. The statement: "Don't invest more in another person than they invest in you" sounds like tit for tat to me. A reactionary behaviour rather than being true to oneself. It is basing ones actions on how others behave - I believe in doing what I do because I want to/this is who I am.
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6exxy
11 years ago
Love freely, openly sharing joy with people. Sharing the love helps us grow and other people feel welcomed. 😘😘😘😘😘😘
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'missravishing' "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing" I love that maxim! And I do absolutely agree with it. Doing nothing is akin to being part of the problem :)
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Jaycee67'My maxims are: 1. People will believe what they want to believe and 2. Each to their own. Those maxims seem to go hand in hand Jaycee :) They relate closely to another fave of mine ... "the opposite of what you know is also true"
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RHP User
11 years ago
I was married and gave her everything as she had nothingwhen we met.I got told all those things like I love you and need youand plans for the futureIt ended with me kicking her out and taking everything back.I still give my heart, time, money and affection as I canbe a big softy.I think the comment is more directed at a situationand maybe they were bitter.
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RHP User
11 years ago
It's already been called it tit for tat, and while that sounds like a payment method accepted by dodgy backyard tattoo artists I think that's on the money. Carrying on the metaphor - everyone has a different perception of how much tat you should be able to get for a certain amount of tit. You should invest how much you feel comfortable investing.... sometimes that will be more than the other, sometimes the other way around, and it will change from day to day and circumstance to circumstance. It's pretty hard to live your life by one simple motto, but if you choose to do so, I'd look for a different one.
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RHP User
11 years ago
believe nothing that you hear and only half of what you see.
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