M41
Ex drama, ideas needed.
November 25 2012
Comments
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RHP User
13 years ago
Give It one last shot .... Give it your all Good Luck xo
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RHP User
13 years ago
However..Im also a realist..................and second/thirds/fourth times...rarely work out...people dont fundamentally change either... You broke for a reason..........and it (the relationship ) is broken for or many reasons.....and the cracks are always there...always (Yes Ive walked this path - never again..when its over..its over !! but then thats me) I think Mischevious Lad...said it all..excellent advice that I would follow if it was me and dont fall victim to the whole "Christmas/NYE is coming up... I dont want to be alone " ..scenario...........................yes it sucks being alone at this time of year, but if you want to be with this lady then be with her for the rite reasons and not the Xmas induced cheer reasons... Remember though...you get what you settle for and you really do have to look at why it didnt work out the first time... Sadly everything ends badly otherwise it wouldnt end !!! Good luck with it all xx
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RHP User
13 years ago
When there are little monsters involved, surely it's hard not to be in contact?
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RHP User
13 years ago
do your own thing ... if 8 months has passed and she is still "iffy" .. then that too much drama to put up with ... I agree with DGGive her a solid month of no contact / no gifts etc / and then just wish her a happy festive season .. her reply will be your answer ..
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RHP User
13 years ago
Who initiated the phone call? walk away, stop all contact for a time, enjoy yourself and give her time to realise what she's missing out on.
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RHP User
13 years ago
On why the relationship ended! Did it end good or bad? What was it like when you were both together? Don't answer in here..just answer that to yourself! Sit down with her one more time and explain how you feel and what will change (as something would have to change otherwise she wouldn't be your ex)...If then you get no clear answer I am afraid you will have to move on! Give her space to think about things too...don't just bombard her...talk to her and tell her to contact you with an answer and that you will give her time to think about it! Good luck if that is what you want! xFunlovingx
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RHP User
13 years ago
If the reason you split was weak, then there's no point going back. The reason I was given in my case was I don't think I can have a husband that's effectively a nut job. Lol. If you go back, and I'm not saying don't, but it will busy it's sorry arse up. She's already indecisive about what SHE wants now, come six months, she'll be regretting it, and you're back at square one. Your best bet, move on, let her seek you out, and then you lay the smack down in the form of a not negotiable list of shit she needs to sort out, to YOUR satisfaction.
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RHP User
13 years ago
She called me, it was her 1st year after her divorce and the day after her original wedding anniversary, I'm the only person she knows who would understand her circumstances, I've been thru identical crap. Xfunlovingx- I F#%K€d it up, and pressured her into getting her license and work etc. the relationship ended as ok as they could. No one cheated or lied etc it was as amicable as one could hope. I've left her to her own devices for a few weeks/months at a time, then just say a random hello every now and then. Hardest thing for me is that I know I was wrong and wanna make amends
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RHP User
13 years ago
You fucked this up by asking her to get a licence and an ability to work??? Lmao dude she has issues, that only SHE can change. Sure it will make you feel better, but it won't last. She needs a cracker up her arse in my view.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Not every match will work. Sometimes, love is not enough, the differences are too great and the relationship will not work regardless of desire and committment. At other times, a less passionate relationship, where the couple shares the same expectations and aspirations can be more successful with a conscious effort from both parties than a relationship based on intense attraction and emotions. In my experience, any couple that splits up should stay split otherwise they enter into a revolving door relationship. There may be others who have had diferent experiences.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Shes a spoonfed single mum who hasn't needed to work or drive. I told her that before we got engaged she had to at least get her L's, she did, so I pushed a little harder, hey honey I know a driving instructor who is willing to give you discount, plus here's $1000 towards lessons. Every time I asked if she booked there was an excuse. I cracked and ended it because I wasn't willing to be lied to. If you don't wanna drive, that's your choice but I ain't your taxi. Didn't go down too well.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'xFunlovingx' On why the relationship ended! Did it end good or bad? What was it like when you were both together? Don't answer in here..just answer that to yourself! Sit down with her one more time and explain how you feel and what will change (as something would have to change otherwise she wouldn't be your ex)...If then you get no clear answer I am afraid you will have to move on! Give her space to think about things too...don't just bombard her...talk to her and tell her to contact you with an answer and that you will give her time to think about it! Good luck if that is what you want! xFunlovingx Funloving. Yes agree that something has to change and he has to talk about it with her and make his feelings clear but in the end it has to be a two way street. She also has to be honest what she wants to happen and what she is going to change. If if she is saying maybe for some time but no action is forthcoming what time frame are you going to put on it as at some point you may have to decide if you just need to move on.Good luck TC, Cheers W.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Mate I say this with love and from my experience. Move on mate, you don't to carry the lazy woman all your life. She clearly has no concept of being an adult. You are so much better than that.
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RHP User
13 years ago
TC,You should never be sorry or apologise when you need to tell someone how you feel or how their actions are impacting you. FFS If she cracks the shits about a licence I cant imagine what it would be like if it was something major.Not knowing your history TC but a humble bit of life experience is that sometimes people can be too nice a guy and then get walked all over. Has to be balance between both. Your pretty young and sounds like there is plenty of fish....
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RHP User
13 years ago
My advise to you TC is drive her around ,if she is your lady that's what people do when they love someone.It should not be an issue for you.Some people drive some get driven.I would just say to her..."I am here for you,i want to be with you,you are all i think of,and i know i have not been what you want but id like to try again,i leave it up to you to decide as i have made up my mind,i want to be with you."Good luck mate P.S one less woman on our roads is a good thing (im joking lady's don't drive and talk on your mobiles please)
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RHP User
13 years ago
It's hard coz our kids got along awesome, we got along great 99% of the time, the sex was great. I can't imagine finding all that with 1 woman again especially considering my extraordinary trust issues which she was aware of and had the same.
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RHP User
13 years ago
But not with my ex, ex gf instead. Your life can end up being a train wreck fast. No doubt you love her a lot to put up with the pain, I have had some of the same problems, not wanting to hurt my ex (no way around that), and was at the same time trying to make amends with a girlfriend whom I gutted like a fish emotionally. I am at a loss for words, have been told to back off trying to get the gf back, but at the same time she is telling me that she sees I am trying and appreciates the effort ( even though she still probably hates me). Women are strange creatures. Maybe just keep in contact with her to let her know you care and at the same time make it LOOK like you are seeing someone else or even date and it might rattle her cage that she might lose you. Roll of the dice I guess
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RHP User
13 years ago
If you love her...... She is worth the pain you are going through.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Torturedcliche'Shes a spoonfed single mum who hasn't needed to work or drive. I told her that before we got engaged she had to at least get her L's, she did, so I pushed a little harder, hey honey I know a driving instructor who is willing to give you discount, plus here's $1000 towards lessons. Every time I asked if she booked there was an excuse. I cracked and ended it because I wasn't willing to be lied to. If you don't wanna drive, that's your choice but I ain't your taxi. Didn't go down too well. Is she all THAT useless? Being a single mum is absolutely no excuse for expecting others to run around after you. Sounds to me like this woman is just loking for a meal ticket. Well your ex is your ex for a reason. If she cannot get off her lazy arse and take care of her own self then why should she expect someone else to look after her? Hey, if you want someone that is such hard work, go for it. Give it one more shot but I bet nothing has changed ...at all. Especially with all the recent changes hapening to the parenting payments lately...she may need to be looking for work in January...depending on the age of her youngest child. Sure sounds like the easy option is to hook up with some sucker who will provide for her and her child/ren.
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RHP User
13 years ago
It's not so much pain, it's more like ok, wtf is going on. Either say yes we're together or no, we can only be friends. That way I can move on, no mess no fuss
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RHP User
13 years ago
Love is easy, never painfull. That's one of the biggest load of bollocks I've heard. Be it male or female that hurts for love, hasn't found love, but a mere arrangement that they're too dependant on to break free from.
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RHP User
13 years ago
It's not that hard to say yes to someone. If she wants to be with you, as an adult, she will. I'd move on.
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RHP User
13 years ago
When my wife left, I thought that same thing. But now I've met so many really decent folk on here that accept my rants, are tolerant to my little coniptions, and have and are helping the whole rebuild on my heart, so very much. Believe in your strengths, acknowledge your period of vulnerability, and then get back on that horse after kicking the bastard back harder than it did to you, just to let it know who's boss!!
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RHP User
13 years ago
Nice post!!!
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RHP User
13 years ago
Have to speak my heart, not my mind. If you love someone, you will storm the gates of hell for them. You might lose.... You might be gutted in the process.... My ex (number one), gutted me like a fish. Mocked me. I bought her flowers and got down on my knees and begged her to come back to me. She laughed at me. In the end, she told me she still loved me, but could not live with me because of my problems. I don't hate her for messing up my head for YEARS, because I did it to myself. Couldn't even listen to music for years because it would remind me of her. I don't care if I am not considered 'manly' for not being a heartless prick. You have a fifty fifty shot. She will either turn you down or come back. But if she does, it might not be the same woman you loved, as she will still have her guard up. Bottome line. Keep trying. Prepare for the worst. Hope for the best
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RHP User
13 years ago
She is still talking to you, meaning she thinks of you. I would call that progress.
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RHP User
13 years ago
This woman is in a transitional relationship, sorry to say this but sometimes it is to fill a void, she may not know that but chances are you are it, if she can't take your honesty and you have to walk on egg shells and pussy foot around then I think you should think twice, you've been through the easy part but the relationship is getting a bit difficult and confronting for her, it will be hard work which you are prepared for but sounds like she isn't quite sure, sorry to say this but maybe she isn't mature enough to appreciate your relationship with her. I know there is a lot you haven't mentioned and it is not for us to know but you are a smart intelligent man that knows what he wants, but does she?
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RHP User
13 years ago
You are a wise man mate.
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RHP User
13 years ago
She sounds dreadful.
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RHP User
13 years ago
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RHP User
13 years ago
Is a license really that big of an issue to end a relationship over? If she doesn't want to work though you need to consider the fact that she may never change and you may have to carry her the rest of your life. Can you do that without resentment? You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink! Just come out and ask for a straight yes/no if you decide that you can live the rest of your life knowing she may never work and may need to be driven everywhere.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Okay so it was all over getting her to be independent and self sufficient - nothing wrong with that, some women out there doing it tough would really appreciate some constructive support like that, Good on you. But as some here have said, sounds like you have been given the emotional run around and been walked all over. Did she get the lessons and just not go through with the lilcense part? Is it just a fear of getting her license and your pushing is too much pressure, that can easily be sorted, sit down, talk and maybe she just needs to take baby steps. Or did she take the $1000 and spend it on something else, and lie to you about it, that is another kettle of fish entirely, and sounds like she is not worth the trouble, that is in effect stealing really isn't it, although in a tactile manner. If this is the case your best bet may not be to shower her with gifts which may be accepted but not in the true spirit in which they were given. Perhaps if you do decide to give it another shot, some really lovely texts, poetry or just niceties straight from the heart, if she truly wants you for you, I don't see how she could resist. Good luck.
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RHP User
13 years ago
You gave her the money and the means to do something (barely) for herself and she still didn't do it.The question is, are you prepared to carry someone who refuses to help herself and expects everyone to do everything for her for the rest of her (or your) life or aren't you? If you think she can change, you're kidding yourself (why would she when everyone takes care of her shit for her?) and it's just going to end again anyway, and there's no point getting your and the kids hopes up again.If you are prepared to accept that she will always be a taker and you're willing to be the giver forever, without resentment, you've got a chance and you should go for it.xx Sarah
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RHP User
13 years ago
So... what's different? What's changed that's going to make the relationship what it wasn't before? Lot of people get divorced and then all the "Marriage" pressure is off and they get on better than before the marriage. Just live in sin for a while and see if works.
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RHP User
13 years ago
It always amazes me how after hearing only one side of a story so many of us are quick to condemn. And if you are a female single parent. . . fuck yeah you're easy game. People assume you want some guy to "look after" you and your children because that's the easy option. Its never an easy option being a single parent and the dangers of hooking up with "someone to look after you and your children" is that they could be arse-holes. You know the ones who are lovely to the kids to start with and then when you move in together they suddenly realise they don't like sharing you with your children. Of course there are also the ones who think of you as such a great mother and why shouldn't you mother them as well and look after them in the way their mothers did. Be the good stereo-typical woman and stay at home and let the "wonderful man" take care of you. There are many wonderful single mothers who contribute a hell of a lot to our society through their hard work and tax paying and I for one am over them being castigated for being single parents. Of course it is easy being a single parent, juggling a career, child care, family and actually wanting to have a life and a lover. If you are on a sole parenting payment, living in poverty is really easy too, being discriminated against when you try to find a place to rent, trying to pay the bills and make sure the kids don't miss out on too much. The fact is, they broke up. TC if you really want to fix it, go and do it and I suggest you ask her why she doesn't want to drive. Maybe she's too ashamed to say she's scared. I had to overcome my fear of driving because I knew I would never get the work I wanted without one. I was 31 when I finally did it. Lessons were hell and I was dripping in sweat by the time I got out of the car, and that was in winter. Don't assume its because she's lazy.
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RHP User
13 years ago
It's not the single mother thing, it's the spoon-fed thing that got me. That is obviously his true opinion of her. Would it really be in either of their best interests to encourage them to give it another go if he thinks that lowly of her?
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RHP User
13 years ago
in which case, if this is your true opinion of her, why bother TC? Leave her alone to get on with her life and if she rings you, maybe you should let her know what you really think of her. And it was a couple of other comments that got me going Miss Sarah. I stick by my first comment, who are we to judge HER given we don't know her and only have his side of the story?
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'MissSarahCurious'It's not the single mother thing, it's the spoon-fed thing that got me. That is obviously his true opinion of her. Would it really be in either of their best interests to encourage them to give it another go if he thinks that lowly of her? There's no need to place the blame of a failed relationship at the feet of either party. If it doesn't work for both, it's not working for either. Everyone needs to find a partner with a similar heading to their own.
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RHP User
13 years ago
only you can answer that But i would Not get down on bended knee getting married wont solve any issues that may be causing the up and downs. Give it a crack but be prepaired for a broken heart and be at the ready to walk if it does not work out would be my advice nothing to lose at your age but another year or two.
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RHP User
13 years ago
But I've made up my mind, I'm walking away and whatever will be, will be.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I would move on, start on a clean slate and find someone else new!!
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'icumfast'Have to speak my heart, not my mind. If you love someone, you will storm the gates of hell for them. You might lose.... You might be gutted in the process.... My ex (number one), gutted me like a fish. Mocked me. I bought her flowers and got down on my knees and begged her to come back to me. She laughed at me. In the end, she told me she still loved me, but could not live with me because of my problems. I don't hate her for messing up my head for YEARS, because I did it to myself. Couldn't even listen to music for years because it would remind me of her. I don't care if I am not considered 'manly' for not being a heartless prick. You have a fifty fifty shot. She will either turn you down or come back. But if she does, it might not be the same woman you loved, as she will still have her guard up. Bottome line. Keep trying. Prepare for the worst. Hope for the best Ah icum, how I've fought and embarassed myself for love :( The thing is though, if you're there and you're offering and you're asking them to say yes, and they're not saying yes, it's no. There comes a time when you have to let them go.
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RHP User
13 years ago
If she's still back and forwards after 8 months its unlikely she'll ever give you definite answers on anything. I don't know the woman so can't speak for her motivations, my own experiences in that world its often they want the best of both worlds, and will keep you there while they firm up other possible relationships, or just plain old fear being on their own and letting go, i've had both. could be any number of things but the only clear thing is, she's not going to commit. that's obvious.My advice, if she hasn't got the strength to walk away, then you need to. This is your life, go live it, don't make her the priority until she's able to demonstrate through actions that you're hers. Words are meaningless in relationships, they're often used to placate and divert attention from the real situation. Actions mean everything. Your life is about you now, not about you and her, so make your decisions based on you and you alone (and your kids if you have any, that goes without saying).
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jezebel_jj
13 years ago
Yes I agree one side of the story is not the whole picture. But, if you split it down the middle between the two - they both have children, he has a job and a license and she has neither. If we move away from the concept of license = independent ability to drive oneself around. But treat it as an adult achievement, a turning point or a milestone the distinction between being a child and being an adult. Then in this capacity, she's failed. The ability to seek/apply/obtain employment - same deal. Not necessarily the requirement of "earning a living", but the crux of distinguishing a child (no responsibility) to an adult (responsibility). In this capacity she's failed as well. Being given money to use (in good faith) towards obtaining a milestone. Also, the ability to rationalize this and therefore apply reasonable judgement and actually following trough with passing said milestone. Which she was unsuccessful in doing - where the money has gone, we don't know but we can assume it was spent on other things possibly things for herself. Again failure. Regardless of her having a child, I've known quite a few young girls several years short of being an adult not take reasonable amount of responsibility and some act years above their age. Now I can't speak for you, but having to emotionally/physically/financially carry someone through life while you are resenting this position, is not healthy to you or your child. At the end of the day, her life is not your responsibility. Wise up and move on. Plenty of better women out there.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Seeing there are kids involved, as a parent you know what I'm going to say. But I will say it anyway. When you're a parent, it no longer is about what you want, but more importantly what YOUR decisions and actions are teaching our/your kids. Is the environment an environment that's healthy for the kids?? Both mentally and physically. And by that I mean your child will pick up on the signals you give off in the sense that if you're not happy, they'll be able to tell. I could go on and on, but I know the decision you make, will be best for you.
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RHP User
13 years ago
You say that this pattern has been going on since March, I shouldn't but am going to assume you mean this pattern of yes and no answeres, leading me to believe you have been trying to re-establish the relationship since then!! however you started by saying the other day and then a few days later, so not really sure what you mean, months or recently? Anyway, my question to you is this, - If you are serious about resparking the relationship with this woman?, if you are in love with this woman?, and if you care for the children involved (if there are), why are you on RHP as a single guy seeking woman whom are unattached, and, does she know about your online profile??? Just might be an answere to your question in itself...................... food for thought Good luck in your journey mate, hope it all works out for ya... P.S. Just one last thought for you.............Guy's with a back up plan!!!.......usually end up needing the back up plan........... Kill the profile and go after your heart.......you can always come back if needed!!!!
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RHP User
13 years ago
We each have a child from our past marriages (1kid,1marriage each) lol
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RHP User
13 years ago
I been there after 13 years i could stand it no longer so walk away. The reason you were unhappy is avalid one so stick with it there is plenty of fish in the sea.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Why would you want to be with someone who is so pathetic!!...no job or even a drivers license, who takes your money and is iffy about you..if your biggest crime was that you were supporting her to better herself and she didn't come to the party then she is the type of woman who gives women a bad name... And I would say grow some balls and her in the gutter where you found her.. Hmm that's harsh but it's the truth!
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RHP User
13 years ago
Being a parent is the most important job they can do. Why don't those of you who have condemned this woman, live and let live and stop putting your judgements onto someone you don't even know, based solely on what is written by her ex.
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RHP User
13 years ago
are addicted to drama,not love.Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.Take the emotion out of the situation,do you like this woman?Do you respect her? Why didn't it work in the past?What has changed to make you think it will work in the future? I think the answer is already contained in the question Life is short but it is the longest thing we ever do...I forget who said it but it is one thing we all know is true...anything else is pure speculation and perception.x R
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RHP User
13 years ago
I said a few things above, have just read she has no job no licence and whatever else... sounds like a little girl hiding in a woman's body, and there are WAY too many of them out there. You already have one child, you don't need an adult one to care for as well. Move on. Quickly and thank your lucky stars you're young enough to go find someone worthy. She clearly isn't.
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RHP User
13 years ago
We had very little contact for about 6 months which is why I started the rhp profile, I figured I should get on with it and start meeting new people. We each have a child from previous relationships. I've only recently (6weeks or so) thought about pursuing the relationship and have made an effort to that end with up and down responses from her. But as I said at the beginning of this page (3) I'm moving on, there's no way it'll ever work so there's no point pursuing it
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RHP User
13 years ago
When people put a personal problem in here they know exactly what they need to do, they just need a few others to agree with them, it's human nature. Reassures you you're doing the right thing. Nobody is condemning this woman, most are simply saying move on, nothing nasty here not even passive agressive, he obviously likes her, they just have a few things to fine tune, so if she does come around, by the sounds of it she knows where to find him, there are just some things you shouldn't worry about expending too much energy on (or throwing too much money at) because ultimately you are going to be the sucker. If she had no intention of getting her license why did she take the money... just because we are the fairer sex doesn't always mean we are the hard done by damsel or the victim. TC thinks he was too harsh on her in demanding she get her license, well if she were honest about her intentions, she would have said "Thanks, but I really don't want to get my license.........................." given him an explanation, or not and handed his money back. Has she given the money back? It's called respect. If we can't trust people on the small stuff how on earth are we ever to let them into our lives.
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RHP User
13 years ago
hey fella ...what the hell??? love is not about perfection ...nor is it about being attached to an emotional vampire,,,stop allowing yourself to be someones door mat and start caring about you a bit moreshe will never change and the longer you focus on her you wont make room for anything new or better....
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RHP User
13 years ago
I absolutely respect this woman, she is one of the strongest person I've ever met in certain circumstances, yet one of the most fragile when it comes to other things. If I were to have an image in my mind as to the perfect woman, she is it. Classy, sexy, very smart, honest, faithful and she is a brilliant mother. It was my issues with her not having a license/job that caused us to split. I've since realized that I have no right to begrudge anyone their chosen way of living. If she can get by without working, that's all the better for her and her son. The money that I gave her towards getting a license ended up in an account for her son, I figured if I could afford to give her the money I could afford not to ask for it back.
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RHP User
13 years ago
TC, been there n done that HOWEVER, bit different woman. Mine was lazy,had her licence but wouldn't work in an iron lung and had the hide to say she was ashamed that my pay packet was not good enough ! Your lady however,has not rushed back to your wallet,and maybe she took your cash to stop the nagging ! If she's not living off you, I'd go for it She may be doubtful about the relationship coz you nag too much, she is she;not you
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RHP User
13 years ago
You can never recycle relationships - as one person above comment, people basically do not change and whatever issues you had before the break up will still be there. Sorry but she sounds like a princess who expects everyone to carry the load for her - but dude if your willing to put up with her crap, then go for it but I think you will be sorry!
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Mischeviouslad'Now obviously there is a LOT of background information we dont know here. So what Im going to say is general comment...... March was 8 months ago. Do not buy her interest with tokens.... do not gush over her with words of adoration... do not call, text, email her constantly.... you will only be driving her away with your emotional burden that you are placing upon her. THE best advice....... Go and be busy doing your own thing.... I have no doubt thats exactly what she is doing right now. Dont fuss over her......dont even contact her for a full month, and during that time, figure out if this is the kind of drama you really want for the rest of your life. After a month of absence, which will bring you close to Christmas.... send her a text just saying something just reminded you of her.... but dont go into detail. If she recognizes that life is better with YOU in it......it will mean significantly more, if SHE makes that decision and seeks you. DG we could not have said it any better ourselves Imyy4u
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RHP User
13 years ago
I get where your coming from. Been there. It's perplexing, draining, stressful. Ease the stress. Consider this:Influencing our thoughtsDepends on our perceptionOne cannot be all goodOr entirely badEach situation requires a new viewChange the perceptionChanges the realityChanges the influenceChanging the perception helped me deal with fear of loss, self esteem, a brighter future, gaining wisdom. Good luck brother
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RHP User
13 years ago
great post
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RHP User
13 years ago
"Don't stay where you are tolerated, go where you are celebrated"
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