F61
Forgive him or not?
June 21 2010
Comments
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RHP User
16 years ago
only advice i can give is Ask Trish....she has been through it....(customer69) Some times you just want to be an Ostrich and search out some sand!Cheers Nev
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RHP User
16 years ago
Well if I could say....."It's a hard one "
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RHP User
16 years ago
I think the best you could possibly do is try to have your friend believe that you dont Know The Truth... But perhaps encourage her to go with her gut feeling as its obvious somthing is not right and just let her know you would help / support her with any action she takes from there. Just my thoughts
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RHP User
16 years ago
why does she need your advice? She has the evidence in front of her time after time. I agree with Nev...its the ol' Ostrich syndrome. Listen to her, and be there for her....but don't give advice and I agree with you not telling her what you were told by your husband....because there will be 2 marriages in jeopardy here...not one! Good luck xFunlovingx
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RHP User
16 years ago
...go build a sand pit in the back yard and stick your head in as deep as you can!!!! You're in a no-win situation here, do you not tell her then she finds out you knew and resents you for not telling the truth? Do you tell her and risk the fall-out from that? Bugger! There's no winning in this but since you are privvy to the info then I don't think you can hide from it now. I'd discuss with your hubby and see what he thinks, maybe he should tell his mate you know and don't think you can lie? Maybe you could face the guy and tell him to fess up? If he wants to be a prick he'll try and turn his wife and your husband against you but really if they are worth anything then that wont happen. If this is a true friendship that you value immensely then you cannot use the sand pit. If your husband feels his friendship with the guy is of great value then he should be knocking some sense into him anyway! There's no room for lying in any genuine relationship, friendships included. Good luck, I don't envy you!
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RHP User
16 years ago
So sorry, I took the time to space my reply to make it readable but RHP doesn't like to give me a new line!!! Is it a Mac thing? Grrrrr
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RHP User
16 years ago
Sorry to hijack the thread but I just figured out I have the same problem as puppy.... I can't f*cking believe it.... All of my intelligent, witty and clever lengthy emails showing I know how to read a profile and respond with thought are a single paragraph mess... Almost unreadable, same as my posts here! How many people have just deleted my emails because of that? Now I'm VERY annoyed! A strongly worded multi paragraph email is on it's way to support. I hope they can read it! Lol
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RHP User
16 years ago
Once a cheater always a cheater... I'd want my friend to be up front and tell me everything... If you can't do that make him do the dirty work... Confront him and tell him you know everything and if he doesn't tell his wife you will... Most of the time it makes them confess... Next, kick his ass to the kerb, she is better than him... I bet the cheater tells his mistress that one day he will leave his wife for her but at the moment he can't because he has too much to lose lol My heart goes out to the ones who are being played.... Good luck....
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RHP User
16 years ago
I don't think I could forgive him a whole other relationship,
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RHP User
16 years ago
You don't have to tell her what to do to support your friend. Who are we to tell people what's good for them and their relationship? Awwwh fuckit! We butt in all the time... hehe... evil creatures that we are. Anyway, breaking up might be the best thing that ever happened to them..... or maybe it's just the kick they need to find that they really just want to be together.... Rest assured any advice you give will be wrong! I think you better learn to say "oh dear" a lot... and "hmmmmm" ... both perfectly acceptable levels of intervention. Hugs Stalky
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RHP User
16 years ago
The downside of making friends, being stable, non-judgmental and empathetic, is that people will tell you their secrets. We have encountered this so often over our relatively short while (18 months) in this scene. The other lady will tell my wife, and the other fellow will tell me. It may only take a moment of privacy. We have found that most couple's lives and the dynamics of their relationship are incredibly complex. When couples first enter this scene, they often find us like a father confessor, except that we don't burden them with penance. Tales of lovers, infidelity, secret singles profiles, and certainty that their relationship is terminal... all manner of stuff that they don't have the heart to talk to their partner about. The most important stuff is the hardest to talk about, even (or especially) after decades of marriage. The stakes are just too high. So we two, who tell each other everything, often have a clearer understanding of other's relationships than they do. That is the predicament you find yourself in. We have agreed never to break confidences, even implied confidences, though we do not operate under any professional code of practice. We just shut our mouths, because to open them would be to unleash a s**t-storm upon our heads. So what we do is to encourage each of them to communicate about the real stuff that matters the most... what they need, what they are missing, where they see things heading. In the case of your girlfriend, she has all the evidence, but just needs someone to talk through the issues. Guys can make decisions by thinking... girls make decisions by talking (sorry to be simplistic). She needs to talk over the issues as she sees them. Be there just to listen and empathise, but keep your mouth shut though it will be so very difficult to do so. As an alternative... if someone needs to talk through some really heavy issues, get them to go to a psychologist. They are now available under medicare, so cost relatively nothing. They DO operate under a professional code of practice, are totally confidential, professional and empathetic. There are not a lot of people one can you talk to about one's innermost insecurities (real or imagined), while publicly still maintaining the facade that everything is just sweet. Talking helps put things into perspective... and your girlfriend probably already knows what she wants to do, but can't admit it to herself. Maybe she can accommodate him (even if she thinks she should not), if she is still getting what she needs from the relationship... maybe she can make it plain that "what is good for the goose is good for the gander" and take herself a lover and see how hubby reacts (possibly with far more jealousy than her)... maybe her and the other lady can transition from secrecy to become best friends and everyone gets to live happily ever after (obviously they both have their good points, from the point of view of the hubby)... maybe the breakdown of trust will be impossible to overcome and their relationship will end up a smoking ruin. By the way, it would also take a lot of effort for the hubby to transition to openness and honesty when he has been conditioned by years (maybe a lifetime) of assuming that secrecy is necessary. Who is to know how it may work out. When it's ultimatum time, you cannot predict their outcome.
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RHP User
16 years ago
All To often we ask for advice....With Good Advice often Being Fatal......This Guy is More than having a Bit On The side....He is having a realtionship with this woman.....Infedelity in any relationship in my oppinion is UnforgiveableExample :An open realationship aint that open if deception is practised even for Sex....This guy is hiding His activities and Obviously Playing the " Your just Paranoid Card"After 20 years im sure this woman knows her husband well enough to know somthing is UpUncertainty is the Sprits way of Saying ....Somthings Not quite Right......My Advice to your Freind....Follow Her Gut Feelings....they are there to protect us From Lifes Unpleasant or Dangerous Moments
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captainkaos
16 years ago
I tend to think that you should pretend that you know nothing about the husbands affairs but you should agree with her that all of the evidence stacks up against him and that she should confront him.
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DonnaBrett
16 years ago
If every couple were swingers, probably 90% of affairs would never happen...when you can have your cake & eat it too, there's no need to cheat! I know that's not a solution to this situation....it's just an opinion... good luck!
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RHP User
16 years ago
My advice would be stay outa it if you advise her to leave him she may do and it may not be true then hate you for it If you try sort it out with her and its true she may hate you for it if if if toomany ifs so go with the old theory if in doubt leave it out
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RHP User
16 years ago
for one...please dont betray your husbands trust...your friends marriage is not worth yours just listen to your freind, if posible, be very subtle about showing her whats going on with her husband and him decieving her she will work it out for herself, she just needs to be pointed in the right direction be very careful that you and your husband arent caught in the middle and your right 20 years is a long time to be married...the husband should have thought about that before he decided to keep a lover for 2 years roxxy
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RHP User
16 years ago
certainly not an easy situation at all. Given your husband knows... can he maybe tell the other guy to fess up before everyone is in the shit? You certainly don't want to be caught, and now that you know, the chances are that you might very well give something away. Human emotion shows that it's hard for friends to keep secrets of this magnitude from each othere - therefore you are likely to get caught out the longer it's a secret. Have your hubby put some pressure on the other guy to get thinsg straight. Likewise... make sure you and your hubby are on solid ground with each other - you (as others have said) don't want your relationship to falter because of this. As for your friend... be there.. be a shoulder to lean on, cry on etc, but don't go slamming the other guy... you don't know the real story behind it. hugs Wayne x
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RHP User
16 years ago
Thank you all so very much. I have taken everyones comments on board and have been there for her each time she has needed me to be and I have given her my love, support and some gentle comments that have guided her to all of what her options might feel like. It is a bit painful watching her go through this as she comes closer and closer to what I know is the truth. I have seen her go from dsibelief to denial as she heads towards reality. I watch as her perspective changes on her life, her husband and her future. It's not much fun for her discovering that the spell has been broken over the monogamous relationship that she thought she had. Knowing that things will never be the same. I can't help wonder if she new the whole truth if her decision would be the same but that is for her to discover and for him to live with. AP
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