F39
Fundamental differences in a relationship
August 16 2017
Comments
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compressor
8 years ago
I think in this instance and the fact you seem certain on what you want, one of you will never be happy what ever you do. Sad to say but you may be better being friends?
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RHP User
8 years ago
anyone ever been in a relationship where they didn't have fundamental differences of opinion? lol I feel for you because the issue you're facing is a big one. I'm in both camps, you've been clear you never wanted children, you were honest, he now does, I also understand how he has the right to not only change his mind, but to choose to have his own children. Unfortunately, you're not going to like what I say next. If you don't want kids, regardless of whether he changed his mind or not, you should step aside and let him find another life partner who does. There is a reason they won't do vasectomies for men under a certain age. Because how they feel at that age can and quite often does change. You will have already hashed over this, there is no easy answer but it's not fair to deprive him of children. If you go ahead and have them for him, not the right reason, if you stay together but deprive him, you run the risk of him resenting you for it later in life. Let me add that at my age, I realise now just how quickly the years fly by and we only get one chance to live this life. My ability to have children has gone, and I'm now at an age where I shouldn't be having any more, but I was so sad when that day came in the last year or so. I've had children and, sorry Tom, but they complete me, but miss being able to breed with someone lol 😄 There isn't a love as deep as that you will feel for your children, you will never feel unconditional love like that for another human being. Not that I'm judging you, not at all, I didn't want children once either. You can go through life very happy without children, certainly have a richer retirement lol and I'd hate you to think I was lecturing about your choices. Your life to live as you want to. Your man is wanting children to share his life, to complete him. Have you had serious talks about all options, even parting for the good of both? I know that would be devastating but the better evil maybe in the long run? My advice would be not to feel like you own him, don't make him make a choice he will later regret. My 2 cents, sorry if it sounds cold, easy to put into text, not so easy to live it like you are. Good luck, I hope you work it out 😃
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RHP User
8 years ago
another novel 😊
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RHP User
8 years ago
Hi Anon I have been in two relationships with woman that have wanted kids and i didnt. It did make them unhappy because we both wanted different things. I think on that issue both parties have to want the same thing - Posted from rhpmobile
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gazpacho
8 years ago
It's prolly enough fun for him just trying to knock you up. Kids are completely over-rated, plus they keep drinking all my whisky. Hugs Stalky.
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RHP User
8 years ago
..... every time I have ended a (let's call it a 'pairing') it was because of significant enough differences in one form or another. But the purpose of dating, is to learn, define and deal with those differences.....right?!!!! So what's gone wrong here that this has after how long (?) become your significant issue??! 🤔 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
if he ultimately can't bear the fact you don't want to experience your body stretching beyond what should be possible, then let him fly on his way I have this disagreement with the miss... achieving a uni degree and other things in life are far more important at this stage than entertaining any notion of a "family", plus, they scream they cry they want stuff....cats are far more easy to please - Posted from rhpmobile
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ran2013
8 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' anyone ever been in a relationship where they didn't have fundamental differences of opinion? lol I feel for you because the issue you're facing is a big one. I'm in both camps, you've been clear you never wanted children, you were honest, he now does, I also understand how he has the right to not only change his mind, but to choose to have his own children. Unfortunately, you're not going to like what I say next. If you don't want kids, regardless of whether he changed his mind or not, you should step aside and let him find another life partner who does. There is a reason they won't do vasectomies for men under a certain age. Because how they feel at that age can and quite often does change. You will have already hashed over this, there is no easy answer but it's not fair to deprive him of children. If you go ahead and have them for him, not the right reason, if you stay together but deprive him, you run the risk of him resenting you for it later in life. Let me add that at my age, I realise now just how quickly the years fly by and we only get one chance to live this life. My ability to have children has gone, and I'm now at an age where I shouldn't be having any more, but I was so sad when that day came in the last year or so. I've had children and, sorry Tom, but they complete me, but miss being able to breed with someone lol 😄 There isn't a love as deep as that you will feel for your children, you will never feel unconditional love like that for another human being. Not that I'm judging you, not at all, I didn't want children once either. You can go through life very happy without children, certainly have a richer retirement lol and I'd hate you to think I was lecturing about your choices. Your life to live as you want to. Your man is wanting children to share his life, to complete him. Have you had serious talks about all options, even parting for the good of both? I know that would be devastating but the better evil maybe in the long run? My advice would be not to feel like you own him, don't make him make a choice he will later regret. My 2 cents, sorry if it sounds cold, easy to put into text, not so easy to live it like you are. Good luck, I hope you work it out 😃 Very well put I say. Ditto to this.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' anyone ever been in a relationship where they didn't have fundamental differences of opinion? lol I feel for you because the issue you're facing is a big one. I'm in both camps, you've been clear you never wanted children, you were honest, he now does, I also understand how he has the right to not only change his mind, but to choose to have his own children. Unfortunately, you're not going to like what I say next. If you don't want kids, regardless of whether he changed his mind or not, you should step aside and let him find another life partner who does. There is a reason they won't do vasectomies for men under a certain age. Because how they feel at that age can and quite often does change. You will have already hashed over this, there is no easy answer but it's not fair to deprive him of children. If you go ahead and have them for him, not the right reason, if you stay together but deprive him, you run the risk of him resenting you for it later in life. Let me add that at my age, I realise now just how quickly the years fly by and we only get one chance to live this life. My ability to have children has gone, and I'm now at an age where I shouldn't be having any more, but I was so sad when that day came in the last year or so. I've had children and, sorry Tom, but they complete me, but miss being able to breed with someone lol 😄 There isn't a love as deep as that you will feel for your children, you will never feel unconditional love like that for another human being. Not that I'm judging you, not at all, I didn't want children once either. You can go through life very happy without children, certainly have a richer retirement lol and I'd hate you to think I was lecturing about your choices. Your life to live as you want to. Your man is wanting children to share his life, to complete him. Have you had serious talks about all options, even parting for the good of both? I know that would be devastating but the better evil maybe in the long run? My advice would be not to feel like you own him, don't make him make a choice he will later regret. My 2 cents, sorry if it sounds cold, easy to put into text, not so easy to live it like you are. Good luck, I hope you work it out 😃 What you have said is bang on the money in that I don't feel like it's fair to deprive him of children if he wants them and I raised the fact myself that he might end up resenting me if he didn't get to have the kids he wanted and I don't want to feel like i'm wasting his 'younger years' of finding a suitable partner if this is what he wants. I couldn't live with that guilt either. In saying all that, I think his reason for having kids aren't a burning desire for children in and of themself - it seems to be more that he feels like his family wants him to and that it's the 'done thing.' I know everyone says that once you have children things are different but that sounds like a massive gamble to get pregnant hoping that it'll flick some maternal switch that i've never felt before and risk having a child that I don't want. As you said, life flys by and I feel like having kids will make me feel like i'm missing out on living my life the way that I want to. Travel, doing what I want whenever I want etc. It seems like children take over people's lives and friends I know that have kids seem to have nothing else to talk about. Can I ask did you change your mind on children or was it a 'surprise' at first that you had to adapt to?
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'Mischeviouslad' ..... every time I have ended a (let's call it a 'pairing') it was because of significant enough differences in one form or another. But the purpose of dating, is to learn, define and deal with those differences.....right?!!!! So what's gone wrong here that this has after how long (?) become your significant issue??! 🤔 - Posted from rhpmobile I agree that dealing with differences is part of a relationship but this one seems like a make or break issue to me. It's not really a 'let's agree to disagree on politics/religion/food' kind of thing....I don't think anything has gone 'wrong' as such - we've been together for 3 years and are talking about buying a house together and that's what really brought this issue up as a serious conversation for the first time I guess. Previously it's been offhand comments and never a real discussion about it, even though we knew we both had different thoughts on the matter I guess we just both thought the other would change their mind and things would be just peachy.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'anonnotforlong'I know everyone says that once you have children things are different But it's definitely not how it always is in reality. There are increasing numbers of online sites where women are (anonymously of course) expressing how much they regret having kids and that they wish they hadn't caved in to the pressure from partners / family / society. They usually say that they do love their kids, but they still resent them and that often affects how they interact with and treat them. I know I used to have that thought as well, that even if I didn't particularly care for kids in general it would be different if it was my own. Well, among many other factors I've realised that I'm not going to take the gamble that it would be different, because if I lose that gamble I'll not only make my own life miserable, I'll make the life of my potential child miserable as well. You say that you think your partner might only want kids because of pressure from family and society, so firstly a lot depends on whether that is actually the case, which involves you talking about it with him. Even if it is external pressure that's making him want kids, unless he's willing to go against that pressure then staying together means you will still have to make a choice that will involve one of you making a very big compromise, and ultimately could result in a lot of resentment and anger down the track. If the choice made is to have a child, you should also consider the possible consequences for that child. Best of luck.
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RHP User
8 years ago
You just have to do what's right for you. Sometimes that takes some steel.
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egr2please69
8 years ago
Hey Anon, Such an emotional and daunting time ahead for you, definitely no envy here. Here's my 2 cents for all its worth lol 🤣🤣 He knew your position before he changed his mind and obviously you have weighed up whether to cross over and meet him or stay the course you already want to travel. If neither of you wants to change, and both of you have every right not to, then unfortunately parting ways may ultimately be the only mutual solution so you can find new people going forward more in tune with your respective positions. My situation was a bit different, we both wanted kids, had the pigeon pair and love them like nothing on this planet i could ever explain as others here would attest to with their own kids. But it also was part of the readon why we eventually ended up divorcing in the end. Through our own faults and bad communication on both sides, the constant needs of the kids drove a wedge between us to the point where i was so far down her list of priorities i gave up on us and focused on the kids instead. I don't regret having them for a second and if i could do it all again knowing what i do now i would still have them but go about certain things differently. In saying that, since our divorce i have decided to stay on my own for a while for my own selfish reasons and changed my thinking towards any future partner accordingly. I see both sides of your coin you are about to toss in the air and its up to you to decide what suits your life going forward. As someone said earlier, we only get one shot at this game so play it the way that 'you' want to play it. There will always be bumps, sometimes even potholes, on this road. Its how you negotiate them that defines how your story is played out. I wish you all the luck in the world finding your way through this maze which is obviously tearing you apart. Like the others here that have been on this rollercoaster for a while, if you need to talk for any reason at all just drop me a line, we are all happy to give you support if you want it xxx - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
If you want something and the other person doesn't it won't work move on. Is an answer that you could focus on depending on your state of mind at the time. As you can't force anything in life ever, no matter how much you love someone. You can let them know what you want and that's about it. If he really wants you then he may compromise knowing big picture is that he loves you :) but don't ever disrespect yourself hanging on to someone who doesn't love you. If he does love you he will show you by compromising and I'm sure it would be reciprocated by yourself in other ways that's how life works :) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Having children is rather a big thing - it's not really like other incompatibilities where you can just wing it or change your mind. I have known many couples over the years where this has become an issue either for the man or the woman - it has always ended in separation. And really, so it should - if someone wants children and the other is not willing, the one that wants them will end up resenting the other. Or, with one woman I know who had 2 children just to make her husband happy (says she loves them but she missed out on so much because of them), she will be the resentful one. Stick to your guns, move on and set the both of you free. As to the second part of your question, my ex thought she was a Christian and I endured 10 years of having to go to church and listen to drivel, sing stupid songs for like an hour, say grace every night at dinner - that in itself was a task of endurance. She really laid the smack down one day, insisted I recognize Jesus as my savior and become a born-again - and that was pretty much that for me, that was us. I still love and miss her, but simply cannot return to live that life again. I wasn't being true to myself, and she was (as her rabid Christian mother pointed out) an ox yoked to a donkey (a biblical reference). I'll never quite forget that pithy comment.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Thank you. No it was a conscious decision to start a family, bought on at the time through the loss of my niece who died of cot death. She was beautiful, 13 months so already a little person with personality, I didn't see her much with distance between us but fussed over her when I did see her. My Mum made her a little dress to match my wedding dress, or from the same fabric, raw silk or crushed silk, and she wore it on the wedding day. She died a few weeks later. Devastating, my sister has never seen the pictures I don't think. So I decided I'd have my own baby, but I was like you, not the least maternal, but struggled through being a Mother. My daughter was always more like a Mother to me though. She was far more responsible lol we laugh about it now, my random stuff, the day I fell asleep and forgot to pick her up from school 😊 but she survived somehow. Like you though, I could have gone the other way and not had kids. Very happy I have them now, it's not easy juggling kids and commitments and curveballs along the way, but they do fill your life and fill your heart. People say you go from being selfish to selfless, true to a degree, but I'm still selfish, all about me obviously lol 😉 just that my kids trump me, I would jump in front of a moving truck for them. But if you don't want kids, you don't need to justify that to anyone. Aside from your partner, it's no-one elses business. Tough situation for you, definitely empathise xx
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MsJonesy
8 years ago
My long term partner & I never did the breeding thing, and never felt the desire to. He was enough of a child for me to never want to have more. To answer you questions.....what ultimately broke us after 14years was his willingness to live on my money, or if he couldn't do that, increase the mortgage under the guise of doing the never ending list of renovations...but fritter away the money instead. STD = sexually transmitted debt. The last straw for me was when, within 48 hours of the death of one of my family members, he casually asked how long it would take for the inheritance to come through. The fundamental difference.....I work hard for my money, and take pride in being a professional person. He appeared to take pride in being a sponge.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'Luck_Dragon' Quoting 'anonnotforlong'I know everyone says that once you have children things are different But it's definitely not how it always is in reality. There are increasing numbers of online sites where women are (anonymously of course) expressing how much they regret having kids and that they wish they hadn't caved in to the pressure from partners / family / society. They usually say that they do love their kids, but they still resent them and that often affects how they interact with and treat them. I know I used to have that thought as well, that even if I didn't particularly care for kids in general it would be different if it was my own. Well, among many other factors I've realised that I'm not going to take the gamble that it would be different, because if I lose that gamble I'll not only make my own life miserable, I'll make the life of my potential child miserable as well. You say that you think your partner might only want kids because of pressure from family and society, so firstly a lot depends on whether that is actually the case, which involves you talking about it with him. Even if it is external pressure that's making him want kids, unless he's willing to go against that pressure then staying together means you will still have to make a choice that will involve one of you making a very big compromise, and ultimately could result in a lot of resentment and anger down the track. If the choice made is to have a child, you should also consider the possible consequences for that child. Best of luck. These are definitely some of my fears I would never want to bring a child into the world that knew their mother didnt really want them. We spoke about it and he says he have never really wanted kids because he actually wants to raise children etc. but because he feels like he has to. Hes said that he is happy not to have them. Now I just have to make myself believe it. Hard to adjust to when hes only ever mentioned having them in the future not the opposite.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'egr2please69' Hey Anon, Such an emotional and daunting time ahead for you, definitely no envy here. Here's my 2 cents for all its worth lol 🤣🤣 He knew your position before he changed his mind and obviously you have weighed up whether to cross over and meet him or stay the course you already want to travel. If neither of you wants to change, and both of you have every right not to, then unfortunately parting ways may ultimately be the only mutual solution so you can find new people going forward more in tune with your respective positions. My situation was a bit different, we both wanted kids, had the pigeon pair and love them like nothing on this planet i could ever explain as others here would attest to with their own kids. But it also was part of the readon why we eventually ended up divorcing in the end. Through our own faults and bad communication on both sides, the constant needs of the kids drove a wedge between us to the point where i was so far down her list of priorities i gave up on us and focused on the kids instead. I don't regret having them for a second and if i could do it all again knowing what i do now i would still have them but go about certain things differently. In saying that, since our divorce i have decided to stay on my own for a while for my own selfish reasons and changed my thinking towards any future partner accordingly. I see both sides of your coin you are about to toss in the air and its up to you to decide what suits your life going forward. As someone said earlier, we only get one shot at this game so play it the way that 'you' want to play it. There will always be bumps, sometimes even potholes, on this road. Its how you negotiate them that defines how your story is played out. I wish you all the luck in the world finding your way through this maze which is obviously tearing you apart. Like the others here that have been on this rollercoaster for a while, if you need to talk for any reason at all just drop me a line, we are all happy to give you support if you want it xxx - Posted from rhpmobile This post made me a little teary, thanks so much for the advice and im sorry to hear about your situation. To be fair he never changed his mind on the kids situation we just never actually had a serious conversation about it. Three years down the track it was way overdue lol.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'I_touch_myself2' Thank you. No it was a conscious decision to start a family, bought on at the time through the loss of my niece who died of cot death. She was beautiful, 13 months so already a little person with personality, I didn't see her much with distance between us but fussed over her when I did see her. My Mum made her a little dress to match my wedding dress, or from the same fabric, raw silk or crushed silk, and she wore it on the wedding day. She died a few weeks later. Devastating, my sister has never seen the pictures I don't think. So I decided I'd have my own baby, but I was like you, not the least maternal, but struggled through being a Mother. My daughter was always more like a Mother to me though. She was far more responsible lol we laugh about it now, my random stuff, the day I fell asleep and forgot to pick her up from school 😊 but she survived somehow. Like you though, I could have gone the other way and not had kids. Very happy I have them now, it's not easy juggling kids and commitments and curveballs along the way, but they do fill your life and fill your heart. People say you go from being selfish to selfless, true to a degree, but I'm still selfish, all about me obviously lol 😉 just that my kids trump me, I would jump in front of a moving truck for them. But if you don't want kids, you don't need to justify that to anyone. Aside from your partner, it's no-one elses business. Tough situation for you, definitely empathise xx That is heartbreaking ITM2 definitely welling up here! Im so glad it all worked out for you, though I dont think I am willing to risk being a terrible parent (not saying that you were/are) as I honestly think I would be lol!
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EarthQueen
8 years ago
I was the same as you. Didn't want kids and was planning to travel around the world with my then husband. Exactly the same age as you. Surprise!! I got pregnant and I was devastated. It took my the whole pregnancy to come to terms with it. Convinced myself I was going to be a bad mother because I didn't really want to be one at the time. Then i saw her and, as others say, that was it. Completely fell in love. She turned 17 today and she is becoming one of my best friends as well as being Mother/Daughter. Also have a son and love him more than anything. BUT I also think having kids was kind of the beginning of the end for my husband and I. If there are any cracks or disconnection in the relationship you can be sure the pressures of parenting are going to widen them. You really need to be on the same page. Also if you do break up having kids together makes it all so much more complicated. If you do decide to go through with having kids, have some big conversations about what that will mean for both of you. In my experience it is still all too often the woman that gives up the most when children come on the scene. Parenting is a hard job and it will limit you. Unless you have a high income it will take away your options. You probably don't want to go into it with any type of resentment. Think carefully about what you want and go with your gut and your heart. If something in you is telling you that this is not the right thing for you, best listen to it. xx
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RHP User
8 years ago
"risk being a terrible parent" No, I think my kids would agree 😂😂
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'EarthQueen' I was the same as you. Didn't want kids and was planning to travel around the world with my then husband. Exactly the same age as you. Surprise!! I got pregnant and I was devastated. It took my the whole pregnancy to come to terms with it. Convinced myself I was going to be a bad mother because I didn't really want to be one at the time. Then i saw her and, as others say, that was it. Completely fell in love. She turned 17 today and she is becoming one of my best friends as well as being Mother/Daughter. Also have a son and love him more than anything. BUT I also think having kids was kind of the beginning of the end for my husband and I. If there are any cracks or disconnection in the relationship you can be sure the pressures of parenting are going to widen them. You really need to be on the same page. Also if you do break up having kids together makes it all so much more complicated. If you do decide to go through with having kids, have some big conversations about what that will mean for both of you. In my experience it is still all too often the woman that gives up the most when children come on the scene. Parenting is a hard job and it will limit you. Unless you have a high income it will take away your options. You probably don't want to go into it with any type of resentment. Think carefully about what you want and go with your gut and your heart. If something in you is telling you that this is not the right thing for you, best listen to it. xx Im so glad to hear that it worked out for you with your children. Everybody says it so it must be true that theres an innate bond there. I definitely wont be having kids unless my mind miraculously changes on that front so I wont be giving up what I want at all. Im definitely listening to that voice telling me its not what I want....We just need to get on the same page.
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EarthQueen
8 years ago
I was thinking about your situation when I was listening to a podcast yesterday.Its called Relationships Alive by Neil Sattin Number 87. How to Know If Someone Is Right For You. It might be useful. Its on Spotify. Also, by the way even though I do mostly enjoy being a parent there were times when I hated it. Totally wished I could give them away to someone for a week and just get away from them. Especially when they were little. It can be mind numbingly boring, monotonous and tedious as well. Thats my dose of reality for you :) All the best xx
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RHP User
8 years ago
Absolutely, there were times when mine were little I wanted to fast forward time to get a little of me back. Hello, the wisdom of age has now made me realise how stupid that was, but we're only human. In later years when they were approaching finishing high school, one had already, looking down the barrel of them moving out on their own, I didn't want them to, I was dreading it. It goes full circle. Feel so lucky to have one living with me now. We share house, share the bills, help each other when needed, but don't interfere or cast judgement on each others lives. Precious little time I have left with him, in a living sense at least, I value every moment 😃
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technologic
8 years ago
..I really appreciate this thread and everyone who have shared their moving experiences & thoughts and found it very insightful. Somehow makes it all feel more real, if that makes sense. Thank you! x -Miss Technologic - Posted from rhpmobile
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Seachange73
8 years ago
I haven't read other people's responses. My take is that i was in same position as you were. I was newly married. Career great going. Overseas and interstate postings. Loving my life and little responsibility except for supporting a husband in school. FIFO, flying back every weekend to Melbourne to be with hubby. Then hubby (now ex) wanted kids. Badly. I stalled for a while as I was sure having kids would be a death knell to my career Until he threatened to end our marriage if I didn't want kids. Not sure why I agreed to stay but I'm sure being perceived as failure in marriage was a shame for me then. I was young and lots of family pressure. Also there were cracks in our relationship and my family n friends told me maybe having kids would settle me and pacify my roving spirit. Also every body assured me it'll take a few years to the conceive. Wrong on all counts. Got pregnant on first go without contraception. Although I love my kids dearly, they are God's gifts to me, they just masked temporarily, the fundamental issues between my ex abd I. I knee deep down we would not make it, although I did want a happy marriage. But I know it was not going to be with him. So we parted ways. But I have to be honest with myself that he was not right for me. But my kids are the best thing that ever happened to me. I couldn't see my life now without them. Be honest. be true to yourself. Best wishes.
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'EarthQueen' I was thinking about your situation when I was listening to a podcast yesterday.Its called Relationships Alive by Neil Sattin Number 87. How to Know If Someone Is Right For You. It might be useful. Its on Spotify. Also, by the way even though I do mostly enjoy being a parent there were times when I hated it. Totally wished I could give them away to someone for a week and just get away from them. Especially when they were little. It can be mind numbingly boring, monotonous and tedious as well. Thats my dose of reality for you :) All the best xx I had a listen to the podcast thank you, it did raise a few things for me think about and I guess the main thing that I took away from it was that someone will have to compromise and full communication is really important. I'll add boredom to the list of reasons why I dont want kids lol!
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting 'lilyorchid' I haven't read other people's responses. My take is that i was in same position as you were. I was newly married. Career great going. Overseas and interstate postings. Loving my life and little responsibility except for supporting a husband in school. FIFO, flying back every weekend to Melbourne to be with hubby. Then hubby (now ex) wanted kids. Badly. I stalled for a while as I was sure having kids would be a death knell to my career Until he threatened to end our marriage if I didn't want kids. Not sure why I agreed to stay but I'm sure being perceived as failure in marriage was a shame for me then. I was young and lots of family pressure. Also there were cracks in our relationship and my family n friends told me maybe having kids would settle me and pacify my roving spirit. Also every body assured me it'll take a few years to the conceive. Wrong on all counts. Got pregnant on first go without contraception. Although I love my kids dearly, they are God's gifts to me, they just masked temporarily, the fundamental issues between my ex abd I. I knee deep down we would not make it, although I did want a happy marriage. But I know it was not going to be with him. So we parted ways. But I have to be honest with myself that he was not right for me. But my kids are the best thing that ever happened to me. I couldn't see my life now without them. Be honest. be true to yourself. Best wishes. thanks for sharing your story lily. while we are in similar situations i can say with all honesty that there are no other cracks in our relationship besides this one monumental issue. While i dont think that means its a better situation to bring children into, i think similarly it is so not what i want now, probably ever. Thank you for your advice! Ive definitely been completely honest the whole way with my partner and will continue to be. Im selfish enough that i'll always put myself before anyone else...
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