M54 F110
Hard Boundaries
February 15 2016
Comments
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RHP User
10 years ago
What was the boundary that was crossed?
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RHP User
10 years ago
It happens. You can not be mindful 24/7 and getting lost in the moment is a all to human thing to do. A gentle reminder is the best thing to do. If it happens more than once, then there is a problem that needs to be sorted. For me less rules means more fun.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Are you willing to elaborate on what hard boundary was broken? Did you discuss what the possible consequences were if any of your agreed hard boundaries were broken? I know nothing about your partner, but if they are a thoughtless and selfish person outside of the meets, then expect them to be the same during the meets. Trust was broken and it may be something that can never be repaired. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Continued in the heat of passion? Have you discussed since? I've not been in this position to give you an outcome but I imagine this has led to doubt and a lack of trust? Sorry you've been in this situation
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RHP User
10 years ago
Without knowing exactly what the boundary was. But it sounds like trust was broken...hard to rebuild that I imagine xxFreya
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RHP User
10 years ago
If I am uncomfortable in any way, I make sure he is the first to know and we both stop, no questions. I hope you've had a long heart-to-heart with your partner and have things sorted out between the two of you. Tulips 🌷 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
and you have put the word "hard" in front of it That reads to me, that it is non negotiable , that this was not to happen ever So if that boundary has been crossed without discussion or consent between you and your partner, like Freya says, it appears that a trust has been broken. Once broken I don't believe it can be reinstated because in the future you are always going to wonder will it be broken again or even other boundaries that had been set down The fact that you left the room and your partner continued on, says to me volumes about where you are within this relationship more so, than the breaking of the boundary Time to reassess and revalue yourself within this partnership
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RHP User
10 years ago
Could be something as simple as kissing. Many couples Ive interacted with have had kissing the male half as a big no-no on their lists. Can understand it, as it can be such an intimate thing for many people.
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RHP User
10 years ago
What is a hard boundary? Are the boundaries for emotional or physical protection? From our point of view boundaries are forever shifting as the experiences unfold. We only have 2 'hard boundaries", condoms and no means no. Very interested to hear what may be a 3rd.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Ok so we only have one point of view and it's vague at best but, as has been pointed out, there are some salient points in the situation you've described. The fact you've described it as a hard boundary. Did he know it was a hard boundary? Giving you the benefit of the doubt would say he did, hard boundaries by their nature are explicitly expressed. Crossing that boundary is really inconsiderate. However, things can and do happen in the heat of passion. Crossing hard boundaries shouldn't be one of those things, testing soft boundaries might be. Perhaps he(?) thought that's what he was doing. You leaving should have told him something, did you point out why you were leaving? It sounds to me like, at best, he made a commitment his self control couldn't deliver. At worst (and how you've presented it, I lean this way) he ranks his desires much higher than your feelings and is not trustworthy. The question I suggest you ask yourself is how faithfully have you represented the situation to us here? The details are conspicuously absent. Is this a personal and private thing you genuinely do not want to share? Have you discovered that you are not capable of separating certain emotions and have been hurt in the process, now you seek support by presenting the situation in a light that very much deserves us taking your side but expanding too much on the particulars would cloud that interpretation?
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MsJonesy
10 years ago
Quoting 'social_suicide' What is a hard boundary? Are the boundaries for emotional or physical protection? From our point of view boundaries are forever shifting as the experiences unfold. We only have 2 'hard boundaries", condoms and no means no. Very interested to hear what may be a 3rd. ...........is that a Hard Boundary is exactly as you have described - no means no. I am probably using your statement out of context but that's how I interpret No means No, so I'm just borrowing your phrase :) Its a boundary which both parties have agreed to, one which is not crossed...no means it is not crossed, it's not in our play list, it won't be in our playlist until discussed again and renegotiated. That discussion does not occur in the heat of passion/lust! Yes it has happened to me, a long time ago. I too left the room. My partner didn't notice, but our play mate did and sought me out. I explained the situation, my partner received an earful from our play mate... and we retired to the spare bedroom to let my partner ponder on the error of his ways for the rest of the night. My partner and I discussed it the next day, although he could acknowledge the error of his actions, he was not repentant. So I pulled the plug on us swinging, and within 18 months pulled the plug on our relationship. His disrespect of the hard boundary was in actual fact disrespect towards me. That one action, that crossing of a hard boundary shed a whole new light on what we had, what we wanted to achieve and what was not working with us.
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RHP User
10 years ago
And then talk some more. Wishing you good thoughts. xxx
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RHP User
10 years ago
Thank you for all the input everyone. Funny how alot of the posters on here assumed it was the male of the relationship. Stereotypes i guess. I wont reveal if it were the male or the female who broke the hard boundary nor will i tell what the boundary was as i think that is secondary in context and will just leave things open to conjecture of others who may agree or disagree with our boundaries. Just wanted to pop in and say thank you for all the advice. Well maybe not the shit happens advice. Kind of funny a single male would say that when he has nothing vested in a relationship. Everyone else thank you for your input 😊 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Assume it was he male. That's quite unbelievable! Goodluck Twosome. Im not a couple and Im making no assumption. Although bounderies can be broken when people dont think, sometimes due to intoxication and or just pure pleasure. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Lol...ahhh I was simply referring to Mrs S saying "no"....Its not contextual. I would hope that you always feel comfortable enough to say " no" during the heat of passion and lust.
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AnnieWhichway
10 years ago
Saw the boobs and saw it signed of by TIA. Thought that was her name. Derr..... Sure my male half had a chuckle.
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RHP User
10 years ago
What the hard boundary was - if was a hard boundary discussed and agreed on then its a hard boundary. Nor does it matter which half broke the boundary. But we could help more if we knew whether you've had a discussion about it and what the response was i.e. did you get a defensive response, an apology, were you happy with the outcome etc. Good luck!
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RHP User
10 years ago
good topic and disclosure..as you have said.."No explanation is required"same as the gender.. Mostly it has all been said, but, Talk it out!!if contrition and understanding is there, then you can probably work this shit out..BUT.. like KissK says..follow your gut feelings... may be time for reassessing the swinging.. AND maybe the relationship..I fck up all the time.. and often it costs me FB's...
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RHP User
10 years ago
Signing off Tia is rather misleading, as its a female name. But apart from that, the posters here were genuinely concerned about your question. You said thank you but your tone was a tad condescending. Single people have usually been in relationships before and therefore may have been in the same position as yourself at one point. Ah well, hope everything has been sorted out with you and your partner. From a single female, (no apologies for my input.)
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RHP User
10 years ago
I did make my post gender-neutral because I do know that within a couple, issues can be caused by either partner. However, the outcome is still the same when boundaries are crossed. Communication is the key. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
You're just a naughty boy and one who seriously needs boundering up. 💋 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Hard to have a tone in a written context.Was a little put off by the Shit Happens comment but hey each to their own. To clear up any misconception i really do appreciate all the advice and concern except for that one comment. Again thank you all 😊 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
If you ask for advice on a forum, dont expect every answer to be wrapped up in pretty cellophane and ribbons. People will be honest and sometimes blunt. Its called an opinion.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Koko's got her warpanties on today.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Been far too hot for undies these last 2 weeks....
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RHP User
10 years ago
Op, when you give us forumites the very basic context of a situation, we'll subconsciously piece the story together by reading between the lines, it's what we do! The other thing also is, we give opinions according to these same experiences, and we don't have to like what we read, we accept it as people's experiences :) In my primary relationship we don't have boundaries because we both accept that in the throes of passion, common sense doesn't always prevail ;) We have a safe sex boundary, the rest is all open. So something didn't work recently for one of you, discuss it! Readjust your rules to ensure it doesn't happen again. Put in place a code to pre-empt it happening again. Mary xx
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horneycouplewa
10 years ago
Yes "hard boundry" would simplify. And i agree alcohol and/or caught in the moment can have an input. I think people who who are very sexually inclined and indulge in scenarios like gang bangs and others things probably need to update their chats from time to time. A partners emotion is more important than a dirty night. We are all capable of screwing up, a small thing can turn into a big thing. - Posted from rhpmobile
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scubaboy69
10 years ago
People make mistakes in life all of the time. It's a human thing. We're not perfect. We fail, often. I've never been married so take this question in that context: I get the "hard boundaries" thing, I really do, but would you seriously end a deep emotional, loving partnership with a connection on a higher level that no-one else has ... for one mistake? Would you pay a price that big for your partner making the simple mistake of being human?
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