F65
Ladies, what would you do?
February 02 2020
Comments
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EarthQueen
6 years ago
More information needed. Have you talked to him about your needs and concerns? How much have you said to him about your reservations and if you have, what was his response?
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RHP User
6 years ago
He knows I have a problem with allergies so can't spend much time around his cat.He knows not having a driver licence is restrictive and presents a problem when trying to organize to meet. He's happy to use public transport but of course it takes much longer to get anywhere that way.He's brought up the subject of us living together many times times and at first I said nothing but the last time he suggested we look at moving in together once our current rental leases expire around September, I told him he wouldn't be happy living with me because that would mean he'd actually have to do housework!That seemed to shut the conversation down.He appreciates me making the effort to be interested on his hobbies.......and I am interested eg: we love the same music, but I can't help but feel that he's not making as much effort to be interested in my hobbies.
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RHP User
6 years ago
actually saying is that I'd like to have a relationship with a man a lot closer to my age, with whom I have more in common.I'd like to find a man who works similar hours to me and who drives so that we can see each other whenever we want instead of being dependent on mainly just seeing each other on weekends due to one partner finishing work several hours after the other one thereby making weeknight get togethers difficult unless one of us has an RDO during the week.BUT after many years of searching and not finding anyone who wanted a relationship until this younger man came along, I am reluctant to put myself back on the market.Am I underestimating him or being unfair? Do I sound like I want to have my cake and eat it too??I can't decide whether I should just appreciate what I've got because I know he genuinely loves me and cares deeply for me (and I love him and care for him) or whether to continue looking for a more suitable partner. Such a dilemma.I've been married and divorced many years ago and know full well that love's not enough to keep a relationship together especially when things aren't 50-50 domestically.
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RHP User
6 years ago
Sounds to me on a whole a good relationship. Just need to communicate your domestic needs. Tell him if he really wants to move forward then the cat needs a new home. Also that you want to discuss sharing domestic responsibilities. There maybe some household tasks you dont like doing or find physically demanding. He can do those while u pick up his wet towels and dirty clothes off the floor. If its balanced you will find it wont irriate you. Dont forget for both of you to tell each other how much you appreciate what each other does. Would be sad to see you give up and have to deal with the many emotionally unavailable, time poor and casual intimacy seekers. All relationships take work and compromise. Neither is perfect and you have to decide if you care enough to hang around and enjoy the good times and the not so.
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RHP User
6 years ago
It’s a tough one... Your allergies to me are the main issue with regard to living together, giving away a pet is not an easy option as the love & bond between owner & pet isn’t easily broken and it’s wrong to give it up as taking on a pet is for life. If I was in your shoes I’m sorry to say if he offered to dump his pet that would have me walk away as I would never be with anyone who could do that. Him being untidy is something that could be worked through, you need to discuss it, I’m sure there would be some things he wouldn’t mind doing and starting in a new property together I think makes it easier to set those rules. Is there a reason he doesn’t have a drivers licence? to me another answer would be him getting a license & a car so you would be able to see each other more even with the different work hours. If you have these concerns now I honestly don’t think they will go away and they may get worse if you live together and then you may feel trapped, you need to think about are you happy to settle for a relationship that only partly fulfils you. I’d keep seeing him without the living together on the table and give it time.
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EarthQueen
6 years ago
It sounds like there are lots of pluses. Kind of agree with Moan-a-lisa sounds like there is room for compromise if thats what you want to do. (But I LOVE my cat so if I was in his shoes she wouldn't be going anywhere).The fact that you have got through the age gap thing and met his family and everyone is accepting and gets on is a big step. But the other thing is he is who he is. I know lots of people say if he/she loved me they would change but Im not always sure its possible, especially as we get older. It's probably easier to help you make the decision to say he's probably not going to change that much at this point? You are two years in. The new relationship energy is starting to wane and here you are. You know who he is at this point. Are you willing to accept things as they are is more the question? If you aren't that happy it's OK to want something different even if he is a lovely guy. It will be a step into the unknown and you may find a man that makes you happy or you may not. That's the risk you might have to take. If you decide to stay do you really want to live with him? You don't have to. Plenty of people keep separate homes? Maybe you aren't domestically compatible? Also don't rush into it just because the leases are up. It sounds like you are too unsure to move in with him at this point. I think it's a little bit unfair to him not to have an open conversation with him about your true feelings. It's OK to want something different ,but if you really are seriously thinking about leaving it might be better to prepare him because it sounds like he really loves you. Don't tiptoe around the issues, if you are unsure or don't want to live with him be up front. At least that gives him the information to decide how you might proceed or not? It's a hard choice OP i feel for you. I have a significant age gap too and understand some of your challenges. I can understand your reservations about dating again as well. But you've found a good guy once so theres' bound to be others out there. Stay optimistic if you do decide to become single again xx
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MsSuperFoxy
6 years ago
My pussy cat stays. I would not give up my Sir Sherlock Holmes for no one. Ms Foxy
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countrytouch82
6 years ago
I'm sorry I know you asked for the ladies to answer, but I'm just curious if the both of you have decided if you are in a committed relationship together or not, and/or whether you are still able to accept new communication with a possible same age suitor IF one happens to turn up? (Which can happen even by accident even if you have not officially put yourself "back on the market"). If it happened would you currently have to turn that new person down even for a date, or how would your current partner react if you met someone new like that? Is it the case that he could also meet someone new theoretically at this stage, or are you both definitely committed to each other currently? Especially in this community, various types of relationships can work well and even for many years, while the option is there for all parties to meet new people, as long as all those possibilities have been discussed openly with everyone.
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MsJonesy
6 years ago
And have clearly articulated the many barriers to having a longer term relationship with this man. In other words... I think you have already made your decision.
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BrightBubbly
6 years ago
You said you have been in a relationship for “several months”, is that long enough to be looking at moving in together when you have so many doubts ? I would take it in stages. Tell him that you have some issues and that one of the biggest ones is him not driving and ask him to get his license. If he shows that he is committed to doing that then that is just the first step. Then you need him to step up with keeping house and see what happens then. I wouldn’t be happy with anyone that said a relationship was contingent on me getting rid of my cats so you may need to compromise on an outdoor cat run etc For me, there seems to be some big barriers for moving forward so I would see how committed he really is first
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livelifegohard
6 years ago
Communication is key talk to him openly and honestly, don’t take a public poles for your relationship because nobody knows all the little details of your unique relationship. The truth will always set you free.
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RHP User
6 years ago
Given that your profile says your looking for a middle aged man for a relationship you seem to be monkey branching so do the decent thing and don’t move in with him.
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RHP User
6 years ago
You are trying to convince yourself that he is worth hanging on to,. You seem to be compromising a lot more than he is. If he is umwilling to even tidy up his home, I think you are fighting a losing battle.
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Sawadee
6 years ago
Beat me to the punch. Seems to me the age difference is bothering you somewhat but your trying to see past that. After reading your post it appeared to me you have so many unanswered questions going around in your head. At our age we tend to think twice about everything for good reason. Nothing wrong with having someone younger but if it bothers you .. Trust your senses..
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RHP User
6 years ago
The cat thing I’d not give up despite your allergies but I’d consider not buying another one when that one died.... I have no idea why he wouldn’t have a licence but that can also be entirely understandable given the contextual details....all of which I’m sure you know....and should consider the underlying reasoning behind it...that said it’s my view he needs to get his shit sorted with it...that’d drive me fucking crazy not having my licence as it’s also my independence....fuck public transport... Relationships though in my view should be an extension of your existence awesome life....not something that you need in your life in order to be happy. Therefore with that in mind, why is it so important to you that you’re right beside this person as much as you can be?? Ms Phoenix and I only see each other on weekends due to my truck driving and whilst it may not be ideal, it is the cards we have to play with so we try as best we can to make the most of the time we do get....I feel though absence encourages us to also work on our private goals/hobbies etc and it helps to drive the passion when you do get to see each other... Then again I’m a recluse so I’m reasonably ok with my alone time ... Mr Dragon
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nightingale8
6 years ago
Oh to judge other people’s relationships is a fun sport. Ultimately you have the best insight in what to do. The main question to be asked is, what do you need from this relationship and are those needs are being met? Then, how can you get these needs met? Ironically, asking yourself whether you should just accept what you have is a self fulfilling prophecy. It lowers your value in your eyes as well as in others. Eg Do you need to live in a clean healthy environment and live with someone who is interested in who you are Do you need to have someone you needs you Do you need regular sex Are you needs being met or removed by him moving in Xx
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