Playing privileges revoked !!

Comments

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  I believe a couple should also be in it for the couple or not at all. What the two people agree is suited to them and their relationship.Should one not want to play any more, and the other agrees and follows suit is up to them and no one else to comment on or judge.Will it cause issue if that's all they've known? Maybe, but it's up to them to deal with that.Playing with others should enhance a relationship and when it causes one to fracture for any reason it is responsible for the people involved to stop.It's not my right as a wife to go against my husband's wishes. I'm with him because I love and care for him. Should anything I do unsettle him it's up to me to work with him and either change my behaviour or work with him to make sure we're okay. It's not my right to continue what I'm doing because I like it - That's what being single is forMrsSPlice

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  It's obvious HE is well and truly over it...fun while it lasted..just saying...nothing curly about it. xx bs

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  I understand you are peeved at this but in reality it is up to those two to work it out, maybe she enjoyed it a little too much and with that was concerned about losing her. Whatever arrangement they made is completely up to them and maybe if only one plays then it could endanger their marriage ie. get more serious.   This is only one of many scenarios

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  Get out of the couples life, they have asked you to.

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  @Futurenomads Hey nothing to do with me I moved on long ago just asking people's opinion obviously you havnt!

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  Amen....and to the op there's a saying, a couple that plays together, stays together. So if one of the couple wishes not to play anymore, irrespective of gender, then there IS no couple.

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  Thanks for your comments so far I should add this I have moved states this is not about me wanting to get in her pants and this is not about a couple not wanting to play just one side not wishing too!! My real question I gues should have been does marriage equal ownership and control ? When does one person wants/needs become more important than the others ,if you truly love someone shouldn't you want them to be happy ? I know this goes both ways but surely some discussion and compromise would be the first thing rather than a complete veto . Perhaps letting her find a female friend or couple they trust to play with till he sorts his stuff out could have been a good option ? I too would like to find someone one day and perhaps get married but not if it means loosing my identity and control of my decisions just because of some religious document that says I should obey my husband or wife !!!

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  As an example, as a couple we are both exploring this lifestyle together and have at great lengths discussed and set clear rules about what we both want and do not want ....when all is said and done, we are both coming into this together as a couple or not at all.....so without knowing their own history, its a bit hard nor would we want to judge an couples situation - just saying...

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  Its so obvious, our partner well being and happiness come first after all they are the couple, its not about ownership and bla,bla..its about respect if he said he doesnt wanna play anymore for whateva reason ,well then its obvious , no more...i got the feelin you may had good times with her, but now they called quit, and you found it hard to except it , i dont care what you said, but thats the impression i got, ha,ha...chill bro' go and find another, @ Splicey, well said.

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  It's a simple fact of life that fortunately (or unfortunately to those that disagree) a couple is made up by two unique individuals that have found common ground and enjoy each others company. The art of negotiation or the willingness to accept the differences either make that work for them or they go their separate ways. Simple, even though sometimes they go their separate ways and still stay together for any number of reasons and are still individuals first and foremost.   How or if they work that out is up to them and I don't judge others too harshly, best just to accept that things have changed and leave it at that. I have friends who are couples, a part of a couple or some that aren't a couple any more in the traditional sense.   Bottom line I guess is it's up to the individuals involved and up to you to make the most out of it by adapting to the change. You're an individual too and what you do is your business.

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  Quoting 'stillwaters30'My real question I gues should have been does marriage equal ownership and control ? Marriage, in my view, does in no way equal ownership or control. Even as a very black and white person I struggle with why someone would jump to this conclusion. As a wife I live my life for my husband, and equally myself. I love him and I care deeply for how he feels and I want his life to be enjoyable, fulfilling, and I want him to feel safe. To tell him what to do, or be in control of what happens to him isn't an ingredient for a happy and strong relationship as far as I am concerned (we're not into the whole DOM and SUB way of life, so for some this works perfectly). Everything I do in my life I do for both of us. I will always take his feelings and desires into account doesn't matter if it's when I'm at the shop buying a new type of toothpaste or if I'm going out for a night on the town and having a play. If I wanted to think about me an only me I would be single.When does one person wants/needs become more important than the others ,if you truly love someone shouldn't you want them to be happy ? I want my husband to be happy, as I said above, and similar to the couple you mentioned we currently have different comfort levels when it comes to playing outside our relationship. If it were up to me we would be out every weekend meeting new people and having lots of x-rated fun (realistically it's not feasible). But what that means to my husband and how that would make him feel isn't something I am willing to risk: ever. He wants me to be happy and could easily tell me I could go full steam ahead knowing how much that means to me. But we've been there before and as much as he wanted to be okay he wasn't and it wasn't healthy for him, me or us. He truly loves me and I truly love him, but some times one or both have to compromise. For us it's taking things slow, becoming apart of a site like this and taking it one step at a time. We've introduced other people in our relationship before and it didn't work out and there was no scaling back it was cold turkey. To do anything less than to stop that altogether would have meant one of us would have felt disrespected and unloved. I know this goes both ways but surely some discussion and compromise would be the first thing rather than a complete veto .When more than one person is involved you have to go at the pace of the weakest link. You need to step back, re-evaluate, work on your relationship, heal the things that were broken, and find a new starting ground. And as a loving and supportive partner you should be prepared to do this. Personally continuing a behaviour I know my husband doesn't like takes all of the fun away from it. It gets put back in the fantasy pile and it stays there. Until something is okay with both of us the thought if doing it doesn't sit right with me. Even if it's something one of us really want the feelings of the other person overrides that.Perhaps letting her find a female friend or couple they trust to play with till he sorts his stuff out could have been a good option ?Perhaps taking away all external temptation and distraction until they got back to place of safety and respect would also be the best way to go? Your whole view seems very one sided. Why should he put himself out for her, but her not make any sacrifices for him? Why couldn't she be understanding enough to put her playing on the back burner since her husband felt so strongly about how much it was effecting him and his relationship? Wouldn't their relationship take priority over her getting laid?You seem to be assuming they don't have a level relationship and his behaviour is of malice and control. They're relationship may be uneven and there may be some level of abuse, but to assume that straight up shows more about you and the relationship's you're used to than relationships in general.I too would like to find someone one day and perhaps get married but not if it means loosing my identity and control of my decisions just because of some religious document that says I should obey my husband or wife !!!Well we didn't get married in a church and our marriage had and has nothing to do with religion. You sound like you haven't had to put anyone else as a priority in your life. I am very much an individual. I haven't changed my core beliefs or values. I'm still as out going and sexual as I was before I got into a relationship. I am however more mature and less impulsive and selfish as I used to be. I'm a better person now. I am a better wife and I am a better friend due to the change I've made. The changes I wanted to make. And don't you worry, there have been changes I haven't made and won't, because it's just me.It's important for me to care about my husband and how he feels. It is important to me to make sure I always take his feelings into consideration and to remember that what we have built is far more important than any passing excitement, or moment. We are in it for each other and when we trust that when we come across something that one doesn't feel comfortable with we will talk about it, we will investigate all options for a compromise and we will go from there. We don't do and then discuss.MrsSplicey

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  has its own dynamic.It is hard to know what is really going on inside their marriage,they are obviously redifining boundaries etc. When you decide to enter into marrige OP it will be up to you and your partner to set the boundaries,nothing to do with either church or state. There was a thread here recently ,posted by jensman...Does marriage equal ownership?...may be worth a lookx R

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  @ Freya13 thank you for you good advice very non judgmental as usual .

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  @ mrs splicey great to hear you have got it all sorted out wow must feel great!!. But you assume to much about me I have been in a long term relationship and put her wishes first everytime to the point where it became the expected thing and when this didn't continue the so called relationship failed .I wish you all the best and hope the speed bumps of life keep away :-)

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  Each should have equal say in what happens in the marriage. Having said that, however, swinging is an extension of a couple's sexlife and as such, each must be satisfied by it. If I'd had enough, Jennylee would stop, if she'd had enough, (hehehe as if) then I would stop. If the hubby says no but the missus says yes, there's other issues at play and the relationship is in trouble.

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  Quoting 'stillwaters30' @ mrs splicey great to hear you have got it all sorted out wow must feel great!!. But you assume to much about me I have been in a long term relationship and put her wishes first everytime to the point where it became the expected thing and when this didn't continue the so called relationship failed .I wish you all the best and hope the speed bumps of life keep away :-) Your posts have been about control and ownership. About one person actively holding power over another. You weren't talking and didn't refer to selflessness and giving all of your power to someone else. That's an entirely different topic all together :)It's a shame you were taken advantage of. Hopefully you don't let it cloud your future relationships. You need someone to work just as hard for you as you do for them or, you're right, the relationship and balance of that are unsustainable.MrsSplicey

  reply

  like

• 

  rk5tar

  13 years ago

  Quoting 'jensman1903' Each should have equal say in what happens in the marriage. Having said that, however, swinging is an extension of a couple's sexlife and as such, each must be satisfied by it. If I'd had enough, Jennylee would stop, if she'd had enough, (hehehe as if) then I would stop. If the hubby says no but the missus says yes, there's other issues at play and the relationship is in trouble. Completely true. Glad you've moved on OP. It certainly wouldnt have been a reflection on you, as you said you'd been with them before no problems. If one party isn't in to it, then there's no point continuing. To do so would cause too many waves.Hubby and I have specific "rules". If he said no more, I would abide by that, because I am married to him and love him above all else. A couple being with anyone else can be an eye opening experience. And it can be under review often to make sure everyone is happy and comfortable.

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  perhaps theres more to this story than is being revealed, and perhaps, its something that these people should be left alone to sort out in their own good way and time.... not wanting to play is not necessarily a pointer to anything sinsiter, controlling, or otherwise, and may be something as simple and reasonable, as feeling the need to step back and catch his/her breath, and to reacquaint himself with his wife...... who is, after all, the mans partner, and hopefully, loved one.... we play only if and when we are both in 100% agreement, and keen to do so.....if one or the other is less than willing, play is automatically off the cards....which has happened, time and again....without any recriminations or protests, after all, our relationship is much much more important than sex with 'strangers' ever could be...........

  reply

  like

• 

  RHP User

  13 years ago

  @ MrsPeachyPear the perspective is hers , I was good friends with this couple before we started playing together i called it off as i could see underling issues and moved due to work they since have stoped playing but i keep in touch through other friends. This post was not ment to be about me or them but about relationships domination and control I incorectly used ther scenario to ask a question that is why i clarified myself later on.     @mikeandshell too true there is thats why changed direction in my question one thing i keep hearing from people is they believe there actions can make somone happy, True happiness comes from within and should come from finding somthing you enjoy doing as a partner your job should be to support and encourage them not hold them back if your partner does not enjoy this with you they should find there own thing to make them happy. After all we call this playing i know plenty of couples who dont enjoy there partners sports but still support and encourage them to play maybee we are not as grown up or as open minded as we think we are when it comes to swining ??

  reply

  like