M57
Poly : not being number one
January 16 2016
Comments
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RHP User
10 years ago
I think it will be a very individual thing as every person copes with emotions differently.. for me, I have a long distance girlfriend, I am fwb1 with a gent who has a wife and live in female partner, I also have another fwb2 who is in a relationship and I am friends with them both, but only play with him. personally I am able to keep everything filed in its place, not always so for others unfortunately. when my fwb2 was having relationship issues, I told them both that I would not be visiting for a little while till they sorted it out, I was not going to be the one in the middle or the one who became an excuse for a break up, it was their issue not mine. I respected their primary unit above all else. with fwb1, very different dynamic to fwb2, who has wife and girlfriend under the same roof, I have met the entire family, I have made sure that the communication was there, that the ladies were comfortable, every time we arrange a date, everyone is involved in the decision, I will give him some times I am free, he will touch base with the family and get the ok and see if there is anything he has happening. have I developed feelings, yep! could I be in a live in relationship with either of my fwb, nope lol.. I am happy with the boundaries we have all defined, everyone knows about one another, the two fwb have met and get on. now if I was in a triad, and was involved in depth with the entire family unit, then I would have done it a little differently, I would expect to be involved in the processes, conversations and such as it would impact on my life just as much as theirs. but my boundaries are further out than that, I am the one that comes and goes. above all....and it comes up time and time again even with people who have been poly for years and seem to get too comfortable... COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE....feelings, thoughts, hurts, joys, the lot! and above all Listen... take time, talk plenty..
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RHP User
10 years ago
Curious to know how men, honestly, would feel about having to 'share'? It seems that women are always the ones expected to do it (long history of it) BUT: Are there any men out there who do it or have done the share. How was/is the experience?
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RHP User
10 years ago
I'm not looking to play with women but if I were, I wouldn't consider this with a couple, because women get too jealous. I don't but odds are, the other woman would. Like I said before however, 2 guys, bi or straight, bring it on, live in or regular fuck buddies mmm 👍😎
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RHP User
10 years ago
Yeah, what she said, what about us? 😉
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RHP User
10 years ago
The Ethical Slut. The practical guide to polymory open relationships and other adventures by Easton nd Hardy XxFreya
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RHP User
10 years ago
Good morning peeps, I personally have to be number 1. I have a really big problem with it- I don't mind sharing (I like sharing- takes pressure off and gives me independence) but I cannot deal with not being number 1. Unfortunately I think it's a personality issue - not just a relationship issue- because I am ultra competitive in anything I do. Best regards, Betty
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RHP User
10 years ago
I think in any relationship/s, open communication is the key. Hypothetically, I'm ok with not being number 1, as long as I am not treated as though I'm inferior. I would be upset if I wasn't number 1 with the person I saw as my first priority, and would hope that within that relationship we had the same goals and priorities. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
I have never been in this situation. Well not knowingly lol but unknowingly yes. Over the last couple of years my view of relationships has changed from having, the so I thought monogamous partnerships of my past (which it turns out they weren't) to favouring (should I ever have another relationship) an open, even polyamorist relationship. As for being the secondary partner, my personality type wouldn't adjust well to it. I would need to be the primary partner. (I'm an ENFP) However I think I'm mature and level headed enough to empathise with the secondary partner and involve and include them in decision making taking their needs & wants into account. And yes even compromising lol At this stage in my life it's about making my own choices, and not having them happen to me while the wool is pulled over my eyes and ending up as a victim of another's need to be unfaithful. But rather that the relationship be open, honest and considerate of everyone's needs. Of course in any relationship, there's ups & downs, ins & outs, and let's face it shit happens 😊 no ones life ever goes according to plan or follows the storyboard lol sometimes having everything that you thought you wanted, presents its own problems. How you deal with those issues determines how you move forward and either stay as a unit or move on from it. Interestingly until I read the comments on this post, my thoughts naturally leant towards a MFF. And now I'm wondering if the dynamics would be completely different if it was a straight (possibly bi) MMF relationship. I guess then as the only female you would be the primary partner.....food for thought. RR xx
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RHP User
10 years ago
On this subject: could you, would you share ? I'm especially interested in the live in situation. Honest answers are what interest me. Not the glossed over politically correct kind. This subject is worth exploring: I think so anyway.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Sorry OP. I think I just tried to take over your forum topic. Ignore me everyone. Eek!
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RHP User
10 years ago
Amazing what people get up to! We could not and would not even consider doing some of the things mentioned. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
So it sounds like it's ok for some, but the three big factors are... - Your own personality - How you are treated by the lover - How well everyone is communicating This is good stuff... I mean it all makes sense, and the stories and anecdotes are rather bloody good @Stillness, you'd asked about what the men think... I can only speak for me... I can share my primary, my wife, and be a secondary; but I, too, would need the other two components in both of these... To be respected and treated extremely well, and communication seems incredibly important. It doesn't double in Poly... It bloody quadruples.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Great topic and one we have experimented with. Freya thanks: it's on my book lust. Sounds nice at first but complications and misunderstandings are inevitable and honest emotional conversation is a must. The difficulty is time. Who gets it; how to share it. Whats negotiable.? The difficulty often comes from your partners partners; either feeling excluded, being secondary or their lover not being available emotionally as the primary relationship has been established ( for us 17 yrs) vice versa....the Addition is all exciting and new and partners want a say.... Then it's money , privacy , family...... Diplomacy skills are essential. I would love another cpl of + 1 to share as a live in for a week or month here and there. But it s highly improbable for the foreseeable future. .... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
I don't think I'd like to be a secondary in a poly relationship. Never. I'd feel shortchanged. I remember one of my ex's sharing his Eureka moment : He used to think that he wanted to fuck as many women as he could and that would be his sexual nirvana. But a few years into our relationship, he realised that it's about perfecting sexual moves and trying out new ones with just the one woman that you love that makes sex truly satisfying. Aaaahhh... saying stuff like that to make a woman feel loved, secure, special and appreciated is an instant aphrodisiac for mind-blowing jelly-legs sex! LOL!!!
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RHP User
10 years ago
This is what I'm currently exploring. Hubby is def not into swinging at all - the thought of seeing me with another person is not a turn on to him. But he's happy for me not to just have another fuck but someone I develop feelings for and share my life with (that would be his preference). We would never have the secondary move in - but it's about building another person into my life on a part-time basis if that makes sense? And he is welcome to do the same. Communication is the most crucial aspect of poly. Unless something changes I envisage that will be in a poly/mono relationship. So he has me but no one else - although him having a casual relationship might be a possibility. He isn't really interested in forming a bond that close with another female (says I'm more than enough to handle haha) The Ethical Slut is great - Freya fab suggestion!!! So I would be a primary and possibly a secondary if my other partner has a primary. How much they are involved is up to you. From a guys point of view - we have talked extensively - look up jealousy vs compersion. Compersion is basically feeling joy when your partner is happy with another. Its about understanding that you don't OWN anyone. And that its possible for your partner to experience happy times and emotions for another without taking anything away from your relationship. We read a lot about comparison. And thats another big point - of course you will compare your partners in your head. Appearance, performance, sense of humour, intellectual conversations etc. But its comparison NOT a score card. Its not about whether someone is better with your partner in a particular area - just that your partner is enjoying themselves with another. And that doesn't mean that don't enjoy themselves when they are with you or don't love you. Hubby really got it when I said a few things (summary) - I love you and if I wanted to leave you for someone else I wouldn't be this upfront and honest about it. When we had a child - I didn't take any love I had away from him and divert it to our child - my heart grew more. If I live being true to who I am rather than to the unwritten rules of marriage - I will be more me - happier, fulfilled, content, open. By being true to who I am you will know I stay with you because of you - not because I feel obliged/because we are married/because it's what society tells us is right. If I wasn't honest and suppressed a large part of who I am - resentment might start to build He can ask me anything he wants to - but needs to make sure he is ready to hear the answers. Everything will be discussed beforehand. He said he just wants me to be happy. And me being happy will make him happy! It was a rough road for a while after bringing it up. But he's only had two partners in his life and I am one of them. We have been together for 16 years now. I love him much more than I did before I opened up for not putting his foot down and not owning me.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I have no desire to be anyone's 'primary' or 'one and only.' I live a life that has no room (or desire on my part) to include a full-time relationship. But the kind of relationship a man in an open relationship can offer me works very well with my lifestyle. I know because I've done it. I wasn't friends with his wife, but she knew who I was and where her husband was when he was with me. He and I developed a very affectionate connection and very much enjoyed our time together. He wasn't able to sleepover due to being responsible for his kids in the mornings, but I'm not a big fan of sleepovers anyway, so that was never an issue. We kept in touch in between visits and he was very supportive of me seeing other people so there was no jealousy from either of us. I can understand that women who want more from their connection with a man aren't going to be attracted to being a third in a poly relationship, but I find it ideal... And in my experience, married men who are in poly relationships are more open to forming emotional connections with their lovers than single men are.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'Keepitsimple72' I have no desire to be anyone's 'primary' or 'one and only.' I live a life that has no room (or desire on my part) to include a full-time relationship. But the kind of relationship a man in an open relationship can offer me works very well with my lifestyle. I know because I've done it. I wasn't friends with his wife, but she knew who I was and where her husband was when he was with me. He and I developed a very affectionate connection and very much enjoyed our time together. He wasn't able to sleepover due to being responsible for his kids in the mornings, but I'm not a big fan of sleepovers anyway, so that was never an issue. We kept in touch in between visits and he was very supportive of me seeing other people so there was no jealousy from either of us. I can understand that women who want more from their connection with a man aren't going to be attracted to being a third in a poly relationship, but I find it ideal... And in my experience, married men who are in poly relationships are more open to forming emotional connections with their lovers than single men are. You will always be one of my one and only's Simple xx
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RHP User
10 years ago
No such thing as secondary in a poly relationship. If you can not grasp this then you can never be in a true poly relationship. Your life is in a family, which is a state most of us exist in, do you have a first and second? Is one member more than others? You share your love as needed. Damaged family is a sure sign of a non poly. Don't let your demands and need take control. Equality is not a right, it is a need. ask yourself can you give equality? If yes then you may be able to be human, then you may be able to be poly. Remember 7 Billion humans need love.
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RHP User
10 years ago
i would prefer to have two men in my life at the same time. spoilt for choice....yum
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'TactileSessions' You will always be one of my one and only's Simple xx You can't have more than one 'one and only' - That's kind of the point. Also, it's probably better to save that kind of commitment for someone you're actually involved with don't you think?
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RHP User
10 years ago
That was a poorly executed though lighthearted joke, sorry.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Awesome topic, the concept fascinates me and I love it that there are people "pioneering" although it's not a new thing.I have no experience with live in poly but have certainly had lovers who see others and have no issue with it because it's largely "out of sight so out of mind" if my nose was rubbed in it I'm not so sure ! On the other hand being bi I might want to join in.The biggest obstacle I see is our ingrained history of marriage and monogamy, our whole culture from economics to house design is based around the family unit it's a very powerful current to swim against. Other cultures do it and have done it, I think it takes a particular non-conformist strength of character which I admire and love to carry it off.
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RHP User
10 years ago
I've met a lot of people across different non-monogamous arrangements and wanted to add my two cents. @WineFirstX "What's the experience and view of folks, particularly women, in being a secondary in a poly relationship?" Most single non-monogamous people want to be 'primary' in a new relationship, while most people who are involved with one or more people tend to be looking for a 'secondary' position or someone to be 'secondary' to an already established connection. This might change depending on the type of relationship they're going into eg. the 'love high' experienced from meeting a new Poly partner. @Stillness "Curious to know how men, honestly, would feel about having to 'share'?" I love it! I've been living a non-monogamous life for about 5 years now in a few different ways and have no plans to go back. I have no problem with lovers meeting other people. I've felt funny about 'traditional' relationships from a young age and now after experiencing everything I have I know this is right for me. I also have no intention of damaging or breaking an already established relationship, and definitely don't want to live with people - I'm an introvert and a natural loner and couldn't be happier! @Rubenesque_Red "As for being the secondary partner, my personality type wouldn't adjust well to it. I would need to be the primary partner." Is that in every relationship, one of them, or the majority of them? Touching on what I wrote earlier most people going into a non-monogamous relationship will 'migrate' to a 'primary' or 'secondary' standing depending on whether they feel their emotional needs (well, the needs we expect from a partner) are satisfied. I'm the opposite - I'm a "serial second" for a few people, and that fits me perfectly. I don't want anything like what would be expected from a primary relationship but I also have to keep the needs/wants of my lovers,friends, and playmates in mind. @KeepItSimple72 "It's kind of the perfect situation for me" Me too! :D
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RHP User
10 years ago
Not something that appeals to me.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Years ago l used to watch the Tele show Big Love, interesting and complicated though looked at a very different kind of relationship or marriage to mine at the time. When Sting sings "if you love someone, set them free" could that be a cockhold sort of thing that CucknShells mentioned. Stillness I'll be completely honest. I was married for 18yrs and we just disconnected from that l see what didn't work and why and open to other options now after being on a rigid path for more than half my life in one relationship. Now l'm not on that narrow path anymore there's a wide open road before me. I would like relationships and experiences, friends with or without the benefits and emotional connection as in substance sense if someone is wanting that to. I'm not jealous or possessive l just knew the relationship l was in monogamous. So if l became a friend with benefits l wouldn't assume l'd be the only new friend, l wouldn't expect anyone to stop seeing other people if their close or important to them, part l don't want to change anyone's circumstances. I don't wanna change someone's life, just add to it a little in a nice way. I wouldn't be fussed about any sort of pecking order and if important to them meet who ever was important to them to meet if that addresses no secrets sort if thing. If a woman had more then one fwb or lover etc good on her. Though what would be critical is all is clearly communicated from the beginning, so l know my place, my fit, straight up. Mutual trust and respect are still important for any relationship to me like a kind of reward for each other including such a different kind of relationship. Cheers Adam
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RHP User
10 years ago
Seeing someone casually for 2 years, he was attached. When we had ffm was a bit disturbed as I was used to him giving me all the attention but as long as I get my one on one time its not a big deal. But of course I always tease that Im no 1 lol - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
10 years ago
Love your view point! I wouldn't want to change anyone's circumstances either - what I would want is to compliment their life vice versa. And mutual trust and respect are definitely important no mater what the structure of relationship is. Just because people are free to have others - doesn't mean trust goes out the window. Honesty and communication are critical components.
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting '1Adam44' Years ago l used to watch the Tele show Big Love, interesting and complicated though looked at a very different kind of relationship or marriage to mine at the time. When Sting sings "if you love someone, set them free" could that be a cockhold sort of thing that CucknShells mentioned. Stillness I'll be completely honest. I was married for 18yrs and we just disconnected from that l see what didn't work and why and open to other options now after being on a rigid path for more than half my life in one relationship. Now l'm not on that narrow path anymore there's a wide open road before me. I would like relationships and experiences, friends with or without the benefits and emotional connection as in substance sense if someone is wanting that to. I'm not jealous or possessive l just knew the relationship l was in monogamous. So if l became a friend with benefits l wouldn't assume l'd be the only new friend, l wouldn't expect anyone to stop seeing other people if their close or important to them, part l don't want to change anyone's circumstances. I don't wanna change someone's life, just add to it a little in a nice way. I wouldn't be fussed about any sort of pecking order and if important to them meet who ever was important to them to meet if that addresses no secrets sort if thing. If a woman had more then one fwb or lover etc good on her. Though what would be critical is all is clearly communicated from the beginning, so l know my place, my fit, straight up. Mutual trust and respect are still important for any relationship to me like a kind of reward for each other including such a different kind of relationship. Cheers AdamYour words could have come out of my mouth. I thought monogamy was the only way, the excepted way at least, didn't know there was another path. Really exciting now to be open and to lose that jealousy thing. We can't beat ourselves up about our choices through our life, I don't regret the path my life took, but it's now led me here, and that excites the hell out of me. Happy days
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RHP User
10 years ago
Quoting 'TactileSessions' Quoting 'Keepitsimple72' I have no desire to be anyone's 'primary' or 'one and only.' I live a life that has no room (or desire on my part) to include a full-time relationship. But the kind of relationship a man in an open relationship can offer me works very well with my lifestyle. I know because I've done it. I wasn't friends with his wife, but she knew who I was and where her husband was when he was with me. He and I developed a very affectionate connection and very much enjoyed our time together. He wasn't able to sleepover due to being responsible for his kids in the mornings, but I'm not a big fan of sleepovers anyway, so that was never an issue. We kept in touch in between visits and he was very supportive of me seeing other people so there was no jealousy from either of us. I can understand that women who want more from their connection with a man aren't going to be attracted to being a third in a poly relationship, but I find it ideal... And in my experience, married men who are in poly relationships are more open to forming emotional connections with their lovers than single men are. You will always be one of my one and only's Simple xx one of many 'one and only's' hey but who's complaining?
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RHP User
10 years ago
It's all good and well to think that if you play with falling in love you'll be able to box it up and control it in a predetermined fashion. I'm not poly, we flirted with the possibility though and I do not believe in the concept of primary and secondary partners for couples in existing longterm relationships. Love is love and if your heart sings for someone you're not going to be able to truly put them in second place. It's not fair to anyone.
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RHP User
9 years ago
This sounds like heaven to me! I really couldn't have said it better myself. I much prefer being the third and it has worked out well for me in past experiences for the same reasons you listed Quoting 'Keepitsimple72' I have no desire to be anyone's 'primary' or 'one and only.' I live a life that has no room (or desire on my part) to include a full-time relationship. But the kind of relationship a man in an open relationship can offer me works very well with my lifestyle. I know because I've done it. I wasn't friends with his wife, but she knew who I was and where her husband was when he was with me. He and I developed a very affectionate connection and very much enjoyed our time together. He wasn't able to sleepover due to being responsible for his kids in the mornings, but I'm not a big fan of sleepovers anyway, so that was never an issue. We kept in touch in between visits and he was very supportive of me seeing other people so there was no jealousy from either of us. I can understand that women who want more from their connection with a man aren't going to be attracted to being a third in a poly relationship, but I find it ideal... And in my experience, married men who are in poly relationships are more open to forming emotional connections with their lovers than single men are.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Read with interest and thank you all for honest responses. :-) - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
So true. I was open to the possibility of an open relationship. Then I met someone who makes me happy on every level. I dont need more guys to enhance my life. I dont need to look elsewhere for sex, Im having the best sex of my life. So a Poly relationship wouldnt be for me. If my guy found someone else and I felt like I was second rated, Id finish it. I have respect for myself and am worth more than a second thought.
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CreativelyKinked
9 years ago
Interesting thread, as discussions around Poly relationships always are. In my experiences there are so many different versions of a poly relationship that its never straight forward and comes down to the particular needs of those entering the relationship. The successful poly scenario's I've seen are when everybody gets on and respects each others time and emotional needs as much as the physical. Its a lot more about the friendships than the sex (which seems to be generally where people go wrong). Poly is about "loving more".....but for some it seems to be the new term to justify the fact they're playing outside their existing relationships. We're all human and have different needs. When there is a primary relationship in play its the core for that couple to draw from. Its just a stable base for that couple and when another is allowed in (to one or both) it can be an amazing and fulfilling way to live. That person gets the friendships as well as the lover. As long as communication is clear "the third" is just as important as any person in the relationship. Just my thoughts....no doubt there are many other differing opinions, and that's the diversity of Poly in a nutshell.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I will never be in a poly relationship or anything like that. I'm not going to settle for second best and I won't ever allow myself to be one of multiple woman. If I'm in a relationship with a man, then that's it. It's the two of us, we are each other's one and only love. Sex on the other hand is different. I'm open to being in the scene with a partner. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'SoftandCurious' Love your view point! I wouldn't want to change anyone's circumstances either - what I would want is to compliment their life vice versa. And mutual trust and respect are definitely important no mater what the structure of relationship is. Just because people are free to have others - doesn't mean trust goes out the window. Honesty and communication are critical components. I agree with this completely. I am kind of a secondary, though in a distance relationship, we very rarely meet. However it has been an interesting experience and given me a much deeper understanding of personal freedoms and expectations. I have no problems with this arrangement. Openness, honesty and respect play a big part. We each hold no expectations and this works well.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Poly is not for me, I don't understand it but that's ok. Good luck to anyone that actually honestly wants to be in that situation. Sounds like there's the potential for more issues to arise. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
Glad to see this topic still ticking over, it's threads like this that make the forum worthwhile.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I'm going to say it's the most challenging, wonderful, frustrating, amazing and rewarding experience :) Our situation is new and both my men have different needs, wants and desires and I endeavour to ensure that they're met, as they do with me :) I don't want either of them to feel 'second' and each relationship is nurtured so that it's supportive and allows for each of us to develop individually, as a couple (each relationship respectively) and all three of us work towards ensuring that each other is ok. Just as my husband will be considerate, supportive and understanding of when I'm with my BF: my BF is equally supportive of ensuring my relationship with hubby is maintained positively, as well. We constantly define the boundaries and our expectations as we continue on this journey. Honest, open communication is critical, and difficult at times. Our very lifestyle challenges the norms within our society and the values most of us were raised with but why can't we love more than one person simultaneously, with integrity, care and consideration as the basis of the 'whole' relationship? Mary xx
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