F62
Respect How do you define it
June 02 2017
Comments
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RHP User
9 years ago
Interesting you said, "so how it leaves me feeling," because for me 'disrespected' is the feeling that alerts me to there being an issue, but I can't always articulate why at the time. It's usually through reflecting back and looking at the whole situation I can figure it out. I think respect and its opposite, disrespect, are a reflection of someone's values and belief system and as they are different for different people it's not so easy to define collectively what it is or isn't respect. A friend of mine thinks to talk to someone without using entire words in messages is a sign of disrespect (eg: ur" etc) but to me, that's not a show of disrespect. Laziness, perhaps... disrespect, no. Add to that your own internal boundary system stems from your values and beliefs as well, and it's complicated, eh? I don't like complete strangers touching me, other people are warm and fuzzy and are okay with that. I think the true mark of respect is when you communicate that something isn't okay, and the person adjusts how they interact with you accordingly. I think it's also a sign of having some EI as well, but that's probably a whole other post (likely already covered in a myriad of ways). Sometimes they'll adjust for a little while, feel relaxed and then exhibit the same behaviours again - it's then that I walk because obviously, we aren't aligned. I do know what you mean about there being no recovery after the first time, but also, in hindsight, there are usually lots tells that have the same flavour as the "big one" that draws it all to an end. Those small little twinges that leave me feeling uncomfortable along the way are like a thread of string I can unravel and with some reflection, I can see the behavioural pattern was there all along. I really relate to your post and it's something I've been thinking about lately, too. Why do I give some people a huge margin of error and others, a millimetre? I think, it's because I know their intentions are coming from a good place and are aligned with my own. Perhaps... I know one thing that drives me insane and I see as a complete lack of respect, is waiting for someone to confirm plans - like, I've nothing better to do than waiting around for you to figure it out... But then, even with that, some people are much more, "go with the flow" types, whereas I am a planner. "In the beginning of everything are the seeds of its end" ~ Lundy Bancroft.
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AnnieWhichway
9 years ago
It's how it makes you feel. It hurts. It can be by mistake or accidental. But intentional disrespect is hard to hurdle. It can be forgiven if there is underlying love but not without. I've had more than my share and at times the ducks back can be a bit permeated.
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RHP User
9 years ago
There is no respect,then how can there be anything else? If someone behaves in a disrespectful way whether it's intentional or not a line has been crossed. It's all about perception.I particularly dislike the excuse of "But I was only joking" Q
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Sawadee
9 years ago
I'm very big on the giving and receiving of respect.. I'll happily reciprocate anyone who knows the meaning of mutual respect. I'm meeting new and diverse people all the time and always found the recipe's the same. . Treat everyone with genuine interest and it usually comes back two fold. Show disrespect, and I'll happily let you drown in your own self importance..
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RHP User
9 years ago
@ SpicedVanilla - great post, thank you. This "Sometimes they'll adjust for a little while, feel relaxed and then exhibit the same behaviours again - it's then that I walk because obviously, we aren't aligned". Isn't that the truth, and it's such a shame sometimes, I do believe some guys ( not man bashing, but I meet guys so relevant to me) have cruised along getting away with poor behavior. I've had guys shocked that I've cut them off, then the abuse starts because of their pride. Maybe no-one has ever kicked them to the kerb? And the no recovery, I have on occasion tried, trying to regroup with one long term guy now, but I don't know that I'll be able to. One of the greatest lovers I've ever had, huge age difference, has his life, as it should be, but a rushed visit, followed by a no show, after I can't even remember how long, one of the first guys I met when I started doing this, 2 1/2 yrs maybe, bit more? I don't know how I'd feel being with him now. Jury still out on that one 😉 @ Q - only joking, yes, once it's out there, we need to own it, for better or worse 😉 @ Annie - underlying love, yes that's a whole other can of worms 😁 and intentional is ultimately the deal breaker for me. The thing is, intimacy right? How can you be intimate, share yourself, without respect? It's then just going through the motions, the passion dies, well it does for me, that then has a knock on effect when they don't feel it coming from you @ Meander - yes, I respect every guy I meet, without question, most of the time I get that back, from guys I've met I mean, when I don't, sometimes they get a bit complacent over time, I walk usually. I'm not married to them, I don't have to put up with their shit 😂😂😂Next 😯
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DynamicCouple36
9 years ago
In our real lives (as opposed to the cyber world on here) we tend to be gentle, non pushy, non threatening and most importantly non invasive of another's personal space. For us that's being respectful. We tend to tread very gently and show that we are respectful on the one hand, and that we in turn would expect the other party to be mindful of and respectful towards us, our personal boundaries, our space, our likes & dislikes. If someone is pushy, loud and crass, and clearly not considerate towards our boundaries, values, likes & dislikes, we very quickly put up our "walls" and don't allow them any closer. We don't scream, shout and do so in an extroverted confrontational way (in real life) we just politely decline, pull away emotionally, safeguard our personal space and cut them out of our lives. After 4 years on this site, we have become hardened to some of the pushy, selfish and disrespectful types we have encountered in here and via our keyboard have responded in an outspoken and often confrontational manner (being nice, soft, nurturing & gentle just does not get the message across to some of the people who message us / cross swords with us) Part of our defence is to make it very clear what we like , dislike , what we find acceptable and what we do not find acceptable. We also tend to not compromise for the sake of a sure thing. We know what we want and most importantly what we don't like. If someone is going to ignore our boundaries (as to what we don't like / don't enjoy / what turns us off) then we feel that they are selfish and disrespectful and as such they will get no further with us. Those that have met us in real life (yes there are several of you who are active here in these forums ) have stated how surprised they have been to find that we are a gentle reserved and respectable couple. Ones online persona and the impression others get of one, based on ones photos , profile wording and forum posts, are not always entirely accurate as to the real person. We have been told that our profile wording is arrogant, snooty and reeks of tall poppy syndrome. Yet others have said completely the opposite . We have been told that we dress far too expensively by some, yet others think we are far too casual. We have recently been told, by a close friend on here, that some chap had made some comment re a photo of MrD's watch and said it's cheap, from K Mart, when in fact it's a limited edition titanium pilots watch made by a renowned German aircraft manufacturer. We had a laugh at that one. Most probably jealous. When he wears his YachtMaster then he is labelled a poser. When Mrs D wears her Piaget, she is labelled a "Toorak Princess". Which of course is far from the truth. Yes we do enjoy quality things and prefer champagne & good wine over beer. And we do collect antiques & art. But on the flip side of the coin we like to do physical things too, roughing it out in the bush camping, hiking. In the chatroom we once said we went clothes shopping in Chapel Street. LOL, the reaction by one female was that only fake, shallow posers frequent Chapel Street. LOL, as newcomers to Melbs we were not aware that Chapel Street had such a label and that by shopping there we had been labelled posers. Clearly the larger than life female simply could not respect the fact that we enjoyed Chapel Street ? We lead relatively simple lives. It amazes us that so many, on here, can be so judgemental based purely on what they are allowed to see, on a photo , a snapshot in time. That so many appear to have insecurity complexes/chips on their proverbial shoulders. The whole term "Tall poppy syndrome " which we had never heard of before we moved to Australia, was invented by mediocrity (we have been told) due to their jealousy of those who appear to be more sophisticated. So much disrespect we think. It all depends on what you think you see in the photos. Again ones personal opinion which could be far from the truth. This site is filled with all sorts of people. Some are sophisticated, well educated, well travelled and some are the opposite. Some have been brought up to respect others, to respect the space & possessions of others, to respect the law. Whilst others have not. This does not make one right and the other wrong. Some people can take NO for an answer whereas others freak out when turned down. Perhaps expectancy and entitlement is the root cause of so many issues? Our philosophy it to expect nothing . We prefer to have no feeling of entitlement. For example if we go to a swingers party / club, we go without expecting or hoping or believing that anything will happen. We simply go to enjoy ourselves, to get out, have a drink,flirt, and possibly meet some new people. We never expect to get laid. Fortunately, in our real lives we still have the choice as to who we are prepared to associate with, and spend time with. This site has been a huge eye opener for us. It really has. It's been a steep learning curve about Australian society and in many respects, the unberbelly of Australian society. We have grown hugely these past 4 years. Perhaps become a little thick skinned and cynical towards some in the process but it has been fun and a great way to learn about this new country that we now call home. The disrespect on here is rife. We have seen it at swingers clubs / parties. Perhaps it's all testosterone driven. Perhaps sex is the cause. That does not make it right, nor respectable. At the end of the day, this site is one thing and real life is another. Respect, we feel, is a two way street. We believe that you need to respect oneself first. Treat others as you would like to be treated. However do not expect or demand to be treated well in return for the way you treat others. Again , best to have no expectations. We have probably gone off on a huge tangent again . We do like "speaking our mind", talking straight from the heart. Often we get misunderstood. Sometimes we enjoy a good stir and to throw out some bait ..., :) Hopefully we have not been disrespectful in this post . If so it's not intentional. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
Nicely put 👍 posting order, didn't see your comment when I did my last response, and have been out all day, sorry 😀😉
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RHP User
9 years ago
Is when another person understands that I have values and beliefs that are inherent to who I am and how I want to be treated. I'll show you or tell you what I like and dislike and would expect that others would act honorably towards me, knowing these values. For example, I detest being late, equally I hate it when others are late. I find it disrespectful when I may say 'I'm cooking a roast, can you make sure you're here by ...' if you're late once or twice I'll forgive the situation, beyond that I won't. I have in the past (to keep the peace changed the meal around so it would keep because they would always be late) accommodated people then thought, being on time is respectful to me, continually breaching that is disrespectful. They no longer get any invites :( In the swinging scene, I hate disrespect even more, especially breaching the ask before you touch and no means no rule. Just because I'm naked and playing doesn't mean I've given everyone the ok to touch me. Just because we've played together before, doesn't mean we will again. For someone like me who is xceptionally forgiving for most things, disrespect is the hardest thing for me to forgive. I feel some people put their needs before yours as an explanation for showing disrespect. It's the instant killer for me. Obvious disrespect gets a very nasty response from me, I don't care, I won't protect anyone's feelings. Subtle disrespect, irks me more. I was with a guy, he wasn't ever rough, this one time he was rougher than usual and I felt he was angry. I asked many times if there was something wrong and eventually stopped him and said 'what are you amdry about?' He told me but it was too late, I felt completely disrespected because I gave him the opportunity to vent and he didn't but also he shouldn't have bought that problem to me or take it out on me. Like the others above it's about how it makes you feel. Mary xx
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RHP User
9 years ago
Thank you. I completely agree, with perhaps the exception of being late 😀 I hate being on time, although at the moment, if someone offered me a roast, I'd probably turn up the day before 😂😂 It's hard to put into words but an example for me is the swinging scene, most people do show respect, even the ones who don't initially, kind of get with the program pretty quickly. I say most, a small percentage are still so consumed with their own needs, they disrespect others along the way. I've given a few examples in various posts I've made. One guy I had a really great first encounter with, he was excited about it too seemingly and was flat out telling me he wanted to see me again. Long story short, didn't hear from him for a month, then said he'd like to see me again. That is disrespect. He us one who is heavily into swinging, couples, clubs etc almost too much, I describe it as 'overswinging' where it becomes any hole is a good hole, mechanical, forgetting the real person with real feelings and goddamit real needs 😉 on to the next kind of thing, that one was good but why not try my luck at clubs/parties/wherever, can always use that one as a backup? Well that's the way it made me feel. That was quite a long time ago now, not the reason I started the topic, just that I've been on the receiving end of disrespect in different forms, obviously the age thing gets thrown at me freely yawn, if I have the nerve to turn them down, then all of a sudden they don't need to be fucking a desperate cougar, up until then that's exactly what they wanted to do 😉 And disrespect in RL with guys I mean, I haven't encountered much, but one shocked me with how juvenile he was, kind of became clear to me he was very vanilla, and not at all comfortable with me being with anyone else, showed weird signs of being possessive within hours of meeting him. Quite bizarre in fact, I've never encountered that before. Turning into a long post here, I'd better wrap this up, but that made me realise we are in different world here, a kind of sexual maturity goes with the territory, the social maturity that goes with that when we're connecting with people. Men who disrespect women though, here or in RL really irk me, call me old fashioned but I always wonder what values in that regard, were instilled in them by their parents, I don't believe they just suddenly arrive at the age they are in that head space. Not a head space that works for me 😊
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RHP User
9 years ago
Another example, guy called a few days ago, actually two guys called me a few days apart, both having previously behaved poorly, wanting to see me. The other I outlined up above here somewhere, long term liason, but the other one had previously abused me, verbally in text, yep threw the age thing at me, big yawn 😏 so fast forward a few months, calls out of the blue, I initially thought it was my other friend, they are I think both Latino and sound similar on the phone. Anyway, I started to realize who it was, asked if he was the one who had sent me the nasty message. He said yes, that he was sorry, started to apologize. I scrambled for the end call icon, seriously couldn't end the call quick enough, hung up on him. If they think it's okay to do it once, they'll do it again. I could never share my personal space with someone like that
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RHP User
9 years ago
Next question?
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Forus1234
9 years ago
Respect, we feel starts with the upbringing, if people are raised in a house, where they are taught manners, respect at an early age, it would be quite evident in their demeanour. People are a product of their own environment. Not to say people cant adjust & be taught this at a later age as they realise the way they behave is inappropriate & they may start to see a pattern of why they, for example are failing with employment or all relationships, family & personal. We always treat people with respect until eventually the lack of respect given back to us has gone beyond a joke. Then we give these people a wide berth. No one wants to be treated like a kickbag! They always come back why? Haven't figured it out, maybe cause we have respect? On Rhp, some people can show respect, are great at masking their true self for a while, but then they reveal who they really are. Always treat others the way you want to be treated! Also remove the negative/toxic people in your life, it's amazing how positive your life becomes! 👏🏻
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RHP User
9 years ago
Values are simply where one has made a decision to make somthing significant. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' How you hope others will treat you, with kindness, compassion and consideration. I don't think respect should be earned. I believe the opposite, that respect should be given to everyone until they show they are not worthy of it. @Meander, I agree with you (and was brought up to believe) it is important to behave as you would have others behave toward you. However, applying reasoned thinking to a scenario, I believe it is actually not possible to respect someone for any of their own inherent qualities until you come to know that person. Instead, let me suggest you are right to afford respect for the rights and dignity you would claim for yourself as a beginning point from which respect for the inherent qualities of the other individual may be earned. There are some people who (for a variety of reasons) are utterly unworthy of any show of respect for their own personal qualities, and/or their own personal behaviour. As example, the news media and the Law Courts are littered with stories of people who do not bear much respect for themselves, and (perhaps consequently) they appear to bear no respect for others (such as in cases of drug addiction, theft, robbery, assault etc etc etc). It is here I think compassion is most important, because the right words at the right time may help break someone from their destructive patterns of thinking and behaviour. Kindness, compassion, and consideration for someone is not the same as respect for that person. For the purpose of my example above (as I'm sure you'd be aware), if you wanted to help someone in such difficulty, it is highly likely you will first need to earn the respect of the person you're trying to help. Otherwise, they're likely to dismiss you as patronising or condescending. Displays of kindness, compassion, and consideration for such people can be extremely difficult, and it carries significant risk. You will be identified as an easy mark by the target of your samaritanism.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'Meander' But that's what I said? I didn't say I necessarily respect someone I don't know, but I will do my best to treat them as such. I did state up front that I do agree with elements of what you stated in your post. There are other elements of your post with which I disagree. Specifically, I do not not believe you can respect a person you do not know. At best, until you actually know a person by/for the inherent qualities of that individual person, you may afford respect for that person's rights and dignity only.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Simple really..Everyone until they prove otherwise ...and even then we should always behave in a respectful manner...says a lot about us more than them Q
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'Qefenta1' Simple really..Everyone until they prove otherwise ...and even then we should always behave in a respectful manner...says a lot about us more than them Q You would all be aware of myriad criminal cases involving fraud, theft, assault, and abuse (as non-exhaustive examples) which have come to light only after many, many years of the silent suffering of victims. This occurs repeatedly around the world because there are people who are highly deceitful and manipulative; capable of some of the most heinous crimes whilst maintaining a facade (and perhaps responsible positions within their communities). I think in many instances these offenders have been able to maintain their deception as long as they have because (as a default position) others have been willing to afford personal respect and admiration to the offender. When I said, "At best, until you actually know a person by/for the inherent qualities of that individual person, you may afford respect for that person's rights and dignity only", it might help to understand I agree with behaving in a polite and courteous manner, however this does not necessarily mean I respect that person. I can respect and defend anyone's rights (as expressed in the Declaration of Human Rights) without ever necessarily liking, agreeing with, or respecting that actual person. For me to respect a person, it takes time and consistency of experience in a variety of circumstances.
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RHP User
9 years ago
You raise an interesting point, can we respect before we meet. Well yes, I am currently very financially strained, that's actually an understatement, the only way is up from here 😁 But the kindness, empathy and generosity that has been extended to me from people I've never met, I just don't even have words. I haven't accepted financial help, but furniture and stuff people no longer need, having not met them, spoken on the phone, and probably not have much themselves, but offering to give you the shirt off their back, respect is absolutely shared at a deep level, very emotional in fact. That kind of respect, bond, is strong. I'm also in contact with a guy who doesn't live close, so a delay meeting him, but his true character has been revealed, he's the kindest person I've ever not met lol I respect him and he respects me and regardless of how we are in the intimate department, although I know that will be amazing, the respect will still be there. He offered support when I most needed it, his friendship and compassion, again I'm struggling to find the words. Other guys can get pushy and impatient, not him, he fully understands, incredibly kind, chicks his age would be mad not to snap him up. I can't wait to meet him, I think I've found my next gem 😊 Can we respect without meeting, yes
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RHP User
9 years ago
Not disrespectful at all, a great read and a great insight into your journey. Thank you for sharing with us and again, I have to apologise for my slow response, the posting order caused me to miss your post. I really enjoyed reading it. It is a tangled web we weave here, challenging trying to find the right 'fit' but for all that, would we be anywhere else? Nice post, thanks
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DynamicCouple36
9 years ago
....respect is very important we feel. Respect for the rules and boundaries (if any) of the other person/couple you are playing with / having sex with, is very VERY important. We are all entitled to set rules/boundaries are we not? Just like we are all entitled to say No. Everyone needs to respect the likes and dislikes of the other parties in a swinging / group sex context and to ensure that you don't infringe on these. We all enjoy different things. On the flipside of the coin we all dislike different things. We need to be mindful of this and be prepared to accept this, and to respect the fact that we all do have a choice to say YES or NO. As an example some people enjoy smoking, others do not. We personally don't like the smell of cigarette smoke on another person. We especially don't like the taste of cigarette smoke/tar on others and so we would prefer to not kiss a cigarette smoker in a swinging / group sex scenario. Are we entitled to prefer not to kiss a smoker? Yes of course. Are we being discrespectful if we decline to have a deep, tongue in mouth, saliva swapping kiss with them? In our opinion no, we are not being disrespectful. Of course this would all depend on the manner / how we declined the kiss. If the kisser were to get angry or pissed off with us, for not wanting to kiss them, we feel that they would be disrespecting our choice and preference. We do enjoy kissing and feel that it is a very sensual & important part of our lovemaking & play. Obviously we have boundaries with regards kissing - non-smokers , fresh breath, impeccable oral hygiene, with a mouth that preferably has all it's teeth, shiny, white & intact. At the end of the day, it all comes down to good communication. Clearly defining ones likes, dislikes, boundaries and pleasures, at the very beginning, so that there will be no misunderstanding nor grounds for disrespect, when one engages in a play session sometime down the line.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Has to be earned. If you treat people the way youd like to be treated you wont be disrespected. Act entitiled and you wont gain a lot of respect.
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DynamicCouple36
9 years ago
Thanks for the kind words. Really appreciate it . :) mwah 💋
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RHP User
9 years ago
For ones self is the first stop. I have learnt to trust my gut instinct with other people however on occasion I have been caught out being judgemental so I tend to not treat people with disrespect and let true respect build with time from words and deeds. It's a subtle difference, once bitten twice shy.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Thank you for your message on this thread earlier. I was highly amused by the double standards you displayed with your comment, and your cleaning up of the thread. Something you have also challenged me about in the past. At that time you were a last straw for me in the forum considering we were supposed to be so friendly but I've come a long way since then and thought I'd bring that up under the circumstances. I still don't think that offers me any right to behave outside my own standards though and I am still sorry that I lost my cool so quickly and posted that on your thread without making an effort to fit it in the topic, like I have done with this post. Looking forward to our next meeting of the minds... Peachy
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RHP User
9 years ago
What are you talking about?? Listen, I think you have misread what was said. I reported one post only, which needed to be, enough said, and it wasn't yours. I requested all the other comments stay in place, one of those was a nice comment to you explaining that you had misunderstood. What am I missing here. Please explain? My first reply to you was supporting your comment but I think you read it another way? Please don't be having a go at me when I've been polite and nice to you. You also may have missed seeing my second comment to you, which explained, that has unfortunately gone. I was on your side. What else do you want from me?
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RHP User
9 years ago
Thanks. It was nice to read. It was cold last night. I saw your post, snuggled under the covers and settled in for a read. Really nice to read a genuine comment 😘
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RHP User
9 years ago
I'm sorry I missed your reply Touch, mighty pissed off actually. I knew they would clean up more than necessary, they've certainly gotten more thorough lately, that's why I didn't request the deletion myself. And the rest is held onto resentment that I had to let out eventually not to say I am done with it but this place doesn't offer open discourse with the tight controlling of what is said, knowing that the 'report the post' is a game to some. And apparently the tight control of this place extends out to other sites and I can't even have a slight sense of freedom there. I resent whoever had my profile deleted elsewhere. It interrupted a process where I was trying to communicate with people and heightened my continual frustration of wanting to be able to speak clearly. I also resent that a post of mine re past experiences was deleted for what seemed like reasons of disagreement. I could well be wrong. Sorry, I don't think I could have ever offered you a 'genuine' reply to your question because it is so ironic to me and I knew I would not be able to resist addressing the ironies. Re: atypical... We do remind me some of each other and I hope my experiences are teaching me better than what I've known previously. There are quite a few people here who I feel some kinship with on different levels and that's something I respect. That we all have our similarities no matter our differences. I'm sure I can come up with a better post in reply now that's off my mind if you give me a bit of time. Good question, I really like it. Peachy
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RHP User
9 years ago
Compartmentalise, otherwise it ends up like a big pot of stew 😀 with everything thrown in, tasty but complicated 😎
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RHP User
9 years ago
Hmmm.personal values you treat people the way you would liked to be treated. and if you're not then you cut tie's and move on harsh but true. leopard my change their spot's but does the leopard change unsure - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
"Respect has to be earned. If you treat people the way youd like to be treated you wont be disrespected" Really? 😀 never? And you've always been given respect in return have you, from every man you've ever been with? 😉 thanks, that's where I was going wrong. I forgot to respect them, silly me 😊
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RHP User
9 years ago
Thanks, yes, that's more realistic I find 😉 people can change at certain points in their lives, but I think the only way way they ever will, is if they get thrown to the kerb more 😂😂 until they wake up one day, have that lightbulb moment. Same as sex itself, people who just continue on through the years, missionary and 69 😉 taking no real notice of, or having any interest in upping the ante. Stay in neutral kind of thing, idling along yawn. One day they wake up and realise times have changed and they haven't 😄
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RHP User
9 years ago
Yes I have....the guys I thought were worth my time. I could make a list but it would be a very long one, of the nice things that I experienced with some of these guys (apart from sex.) There were a couple of disrespectful ones but that ended quickly. I met Mr online and he has always treated me like a Queen. He comes along to the Socialites events and they are always good because people like and respect each other and enjoy each others company. Also.... you should respect others private lives. You dont know what other people get up to when they are being intimate. You have no idea. I still maintain, and its my personal opinion, the way you act reaps its own rewards.
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