F53
Second Dates
September 19 2016
Comments
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Katkat
9 years ago
With what I want & how to be done firstly. Second if he's doing it right then I might go for seconds, but if he can't keep up to me then it's bye. Move along. I have ghosted for few reasons & I'm sure others have done it as well. - Posted from rhpmobile
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Tall74nHard9
9 years ago
don't really have it in me to 'ghost' somebody - to me that is just extremely poor manners and social skills*. I have 'old-fashioned' gentlemanly manners, and if a situation needs explaining to a particular person, I am willing to oblige in the hope that it will lead to a better experience for further down the track. If a person is lacking in the knowledge to satisfy the experience and expectations in the situation, I would believe that they would generally be grateful for some words of wisdom to help with future liaisons, if handled in a suitable manner. As far as thinking about 'seconds', you will either know on the spot if the other really strikes the right chords with you, or it could take a little while of reflection. Each experience is unique. * Exceptions may include people who are just plain rude / obnoxious in certain situations and not willing to reflect outside of their own expectations. Tall
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RHP User
9 years ago
Look I agree that a person should let the other known that they aren't keen if it's obvious the other person is super keen and messaging all the time but if a person continues to flirt with no response and they continue to do so to the point that they get nasty that the Other person is not responding! WTF! That's stalker behavior. Send a flirtatious message the next day by all means. I always did. But if there is no response or really vague replies leave it be. He isn't keen and don't embarrass yourself. Just my opinion.
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RHP User
9 years ago
This happened when I realised it wasn't going to work for me I sent him a message to that effect and blocked him. Why did I think that..mainly because it became clear that he wasn't separated at all..it was all about his sexual pleasure,he turned up with a paddle and a small whip for me to use on him.. I quickly became bored with his selfish approach,his listening skills were zero . So no seconds. Q
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RHP User
9 years ago
I know how much I don't like getting the silent treatment, so if I've had a date then they ask for a second and I'm not keen, I just do the whole 'thanks I had fun but I'm not feeling the chemistry' or something such. I think ghosting is just incredibly rude and a bit cowardly, actually....Especially if you've had sex with them then decide you don't want another go at it. You don't have to be brutally honest and say "sorry you were crap in bed" but I think a message is at least called for unless there was some extremely bad behaviour on their part. Miss Little xx
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Seachange73
9 years ago
I agree. Hence I stopped ghosting. I think I ghosted earlier on my journey here and I thought it was a terrible way to finish off things when we have been intimate. Hence the guilty conscience and feeling terrible. Hard as it may seem, being honest is just the respectable way to end things, although some may winge and beg for a second try to make it up and make the experience 'something you won't forget'. Whilst I am trying to forget the last experience. some guys can get nasty too although they shouldn't be. It just reinforces my decision not to go further and block them on my phone/kik or rhp. just unfortunate.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I agree that a message to communicate there won't be a follow up meet is the decent thing to do. We're all adults, it's not hard to do. I have had people ask on the first meet when they'll see me again. If I am not wanting to, I say it was nice meeting them and wish them well. I appreciate the same. If I am interested in another meet and get no response from a message, I move on. I am not going to waste my time with someone that doesn't reply. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
It's not nice to feel ignored by a person who you think you may have clicked with. I would rather be told that it's just not going to work than to have messages, texts not replied to. We are all adults and should be able to take it in the way it is intended. I have ghosted in the past and understand now how that must have felt for the person. Not happy that I did that but it is past and I have grown enough to hopefully have the courage to be honest with someone if it happens that way again. xx
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'lilyorchid' some guys can get nasty too although they shouldn't be. It just reinforces my decision not to go further and block them on my phone/kik or rhp. just unfortunate. I had one that I met through Tinder say I was 'dick tease bitch' for telling him after 2 meets (with no sex) that I wasn't interested in catching up again. Some real pearlers out there, but it's just as easy to block a phone number or profile if they turn nasty. I'd prefer that the person know that I'm not interested then perhaps run into them somewhere and have to explain face to face why I did the Houdini... Miss Little xx
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RHP User
9 years ago
I for one would prefer for the other person to not say anything! I'd actually rather be ghosted than to have a person put doubts into my head about my ability or lack thereof. After all... It's just one persons opinion- who is to say they speak for the majority? For me it's not worth the hang up. Having said that- because some people feel it is the polite thing to do.... In my own dealings with others I will always be very very upfront and say- if you're not into this at any point- you can just drop communication. The message will be teceived loud and clear without having to go into details. It is what it is...if I don't float your boat we are adults and can just leave it at thanks but no thanks... No gory details required Mrs LAL - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
I don't think it is true, as most of the comments here seem to suggest, that it is a male specific issue. Women can certainly be just as nasty after a meet that the guy decided wasn't going to progress. No one wants their feelings hurt. Not all blokes are vindictive and abusive. Actually i would suggest most aren't but there is certainly, it appears to me, a bias from some women that comes through in these forums. We all have our horror stories. It is not gender specific.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I don't think anyone on this thread has suggested that it was 'male specific'? I don't see where 'all' men were lumped into that category either...? It's just that as females are the ones replying with our experiences, the 'culprits' are male. Miss Little xx
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Seachange73
9 years ago
You beat me to it. Sapio, as ms little pointed out, those who contributed to this posts were mainly women. So far. It wasn't intended as a man bashing thread. If anything, you would read that both sexes have been guilty of ghosting. Including myself, of which I am not comfortable with that behaviour for myself. Whatever the opinions are, they are valid and should not be misconstrued as judgemental or law of the land. They are just peoples personal views that may or may not go with the grain of public opinion. You are welcome to share your opinion. I would be interested. Thank you.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Sometimes someone who didn't strike me the first time, lights fire in me later. Sometimes that amazing one night is about all I can handle. Sometimes there isn't the right bait. -Dinner, movie, stroll, beach, teepee? Unless I realise that the chemistry is wrong and I couldn't stand to be touched again...There's little need for me to push any points. I have a firm belief that the people who want to be in your life will beat down your door. -I've just put in a new lock and spy hole. We're seeing how it goes. 😉 -Longest, the indirect. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
But I am sometimes guilty of giving up too easily. By that, I mean I do not put any pressure at all on the other party, which may come across as lack of interest on my part if I have not been able to play the game of chase/persuasion/flirting etc, that they might want the other person to show. Also, if a follow up message or two isn't replied to, I will tend to assume (and I have to assume if there is no other information) that the other person is no longer interested and/or that I said/did or didn't say/do something that fell short of their expectations. As for the prospect of second dates/chances, I have still been willing to grant a second (or first?) date to someone who did not show up to the first date. As far as I'm concerned, if I think I may sometimes deserve a second chance or the benefit of the doubt, I have to willing to do likewise for others. As for not proceeding with a second date and how you communicate this to the other person... I do think both parties would be somewhat aware if the right chemistry and connection was not there, and I am ok with telling the other person, or being told myself, that this was the problem. If we do not see each other again after any particular date, I do hope that they find whatever it is they are seeking with other people. If the right connection isn't there, I'm not going to burden them with me wanting reasons (but it's nice to have closure), or otherwise trying to flog a dead horse, so to speak. I don't really have the dating experience to know if trying to develop chemistry where there is none has ever worked out for people, or whether this means you should quit early before someone gets the wrong impression and/or gets hurt. Personally, having a strong quilty conscience means I tend to err on the side of not pressing the case and not risking any hurt, to them or to myself. But then of course the other argument to this is that by playing it too safe might mean you miss out on potential rewards. Guess I'm still learning to find the right balance, with each person...
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'Sapiophileman' I don't think it is true, as most of the comments here seem to suggest, that it is a male specific issue. Women can certainly be just as nasty after a meet that the guy decided wasn't going to progress. No one wants their feelings hurt. Not all blokes are vindictive and abusive. Actually i would suggest most aren't but there is certainly, it appears to me, a bias from some women that comes through in these forums. We all have our horror stories. It is not gender specific. My understanding of Sapiophileman's post is that he does not refer only to this specific thread in isolation. If I am not mistaken, he is describing his perception of the appearance/tone of some posts of just some women and some men in the forum more generally. It strikes me as a reasonably fair assessment.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Seem to get a vibe about them whilst on the date and can usually tell they didn't have a great time.....so I don't expect any message after the date at all, and just move on.... I don't think there needs to be confirmation of the obvious sometimes..... - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
9 years ago
I totally agree! if you want to keep seeing me you will make it clear. And I won't be hanging around waiting for a message or a phone call like a needy school girl. Plenty of other beautiful people in the world 😉 I used to worry if I didn't hear from someone, but at the end of the day you're not going to have chemistry with everyone. As far as telling someone - previously I've ghosted and felt horrible about it. But I will say it's just not going to work or something to that effect. I don't want to make anyone feel inadequate. And unless they were disrespectful or an absolute toss pot, I will always assume that just because they weren't for me - doesn't mean that they wouldn't rock another lady's world.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I assumed the original question was about a woman actually. Then the question is asking to relate personal experiences so since the women who have replied don't date women (well not on a regular basis I assume) they can only comment on what they know. Isn't that reasonable?
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Seachange73
9 years ago
Quoting 'ontology' Quoting 'Sapiophileman' I don't think it is true, as most of the comments here seem to suggest, that it is a male specific issue. Women can certainly be just as nasty after a meet that the guy decided wasn't going to progress. No one wants their feelings hurt. Not all blokes are vindictive and abusive. Actually i would suggest most aren't but there is certainly, it appears to me, a bias from some women that comes through in these forums. We all have our horror stories. It is not gender specific. My understanding of Sapiophileman's post is that he does not refer only to this specific thread in isolation. If I am not mistaken, he is describing his perception of the appearance/tone of some posts of just some women and some men in the forum more generally. It strikes me as a reasonably fair assessment. that is your understanding. You are entitled to it. obviously Ms. Little and I read that differently. thanks.
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RHP User
9 years ago
I simply point out in the interest of fairness, neither gender holds a monopoly position on the quoted behaviours. There appears a strong propensity for some people to immediately draw the most negative possible inference/connotation from almost any comment, however innocent, genuine, or objectively reasonable. I might venture to suggest that whilst I do believe the practice of 'ghosting' is poor form, I also think any demonstration of the behaviours I've described here (the abovementioned vehement kneejerk pessimism) were encountered by someone on a date, I could understand if some of those people would/did 'ghost' the offending party. (You might track their departure by the screeching of tyres and the clouds of dust and tyre smoke receding over the horizon!)
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RHP User
9 years ago
Quoting 'ontology' I simply point out in the interest of fairness, neither gender holds a monopoly position on the quoted behaviours. There appears a strong propensity for some people to immediately draw the most negative possible inference/connotation from almost any comment, however innocent, genuine, or objectively reasonable. on this thread stated or even indirectly inferred that men hold a monopoly on the quoted behaviours. As has been pointed out to you a few times now, the women who have commented were speaking from their own experience. Because they are mostly straight women their experiences are with men and that is all any woman on here has done - relate their own experience. So, the comments from Sapiophile and from you were not objectively reasonable, however their rebuttal most certainly was (nice try at gaslighting there though). Since you're obviously trying to push an agenda at the moment why don't you start your own thread where you can push it to your heart's content.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Do you have personal experience to contribute or are you just here to dissect comments made by those who just want to share experiences? We aren't here to be analysed - I pay my psychologist enough to to do that for me.
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RHP User
9 years ago
Fair play. I read over the comments again and most of the replys were from women hence their point of view. I have no dramas here. All i was trying to point out was that often the same issues of do I or don't I and hurt feelings and miscommunication work for both genders. I do not start or participate in gender bashing. I have daughters of my own.
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Seachange73
9 years ago
Quoting 'CandyDelicious' I assumed the original question was about a woman actually. Then the question is asking to relate personal experiences so since the women who have replied don't date women (well not on a regular basis I assume) they can only comment on what they know. Isn't that reasonable? The original question was about a man's silent treatment (ghosting) of a woman after they had been intimate. The woman continued communication with lukewarm or vague responses from him. she reacted badly as not wanting to be ignored. In my view, there was miscommunication for whatever reason and one party did nto give the proper signals and the other didnt know where she stood. In my opinion, there was some misbehaviour on both sides. In the succeeeding posts, women related their experiences which was about men. The situation above is similar but tables are turned. some misunderstanding/miscommunication resulting in unsavoury situations. so Sapio, as you can see, it is not gender specific. We all know that rudeness and nastiness is not gender specific but on an individual basis. I do not think that was the point in contention but rather how do we, male or female, handle saying NO to a second date. Now tell us your experience to make your contribution here relevant.
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Seachange73
9 years ago
Quoting 'Sapiophileman' Fair play. I read over the comments again and most of the replys were from women hence their point of view. I have no dramas here. All i was trying to point out was that often the same issues of do I or don't I and hurt feelings and miscommunication work for both genders. I do not start or participate in gender bashing. I have daughters of my own. Not one to be involved in gender bashing or 'tarring one sex of the same brush' as I too have two beautiful sons who deserve respect like everyone else. Good point.
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