F52

Set the record straight guys.......

March 04 2010

So, with what a friend has been dealing with, I thought I would throw out the proverbial bone to the average male for the answer to a mystery that has puzzled women for years............how you guys treat a crisis.I have a spectacular female acquaintance, who sadly has not had the best of time in the health stakes. She met what she thought was a beautiful, genuine male. No, they were not going to be the epitome of happily wedded bliss. Yes, she did develop feelings for him which weren't returned. No biggie, she still had the pleasure of his company. Sadly, this lovely specimen's health problems flared up, she wanted reassurance the friendship would be solid, that his tomes of "I'm not going anywhere, I'm here for you, I'll help you through this" would be true. How sad to discover on waking up in hospital she couldn't remember this lovely fella. She still thought she was married! Shock horror. It all came flooding back, reducing her to tears.......where was he? Why wasn't her friend there? Realisation, he was away for work. Relief knowing she would see him within a couple of days. That relief turned to anxiety. Come the day of return, this "lovely" fella was way too tired to see her, he had swung back into the weekly kiddie time, her plight would have to wait until he had time. Fair enough, she was to be away for the weekend for work, things would surely be ok when she got back. How wrong she was. She found he had retreated slightly, become withdrawn, the caring friend had effectively built a mini brick wall. Many tears ensued, she needed her friend, she needed comfort, she needed reassurance. It got worse. Test results showed she needed to relax, de stress, keep calm - just until things healed themselves.What a slap in the face, when on hearing horrible news, he chooses to visit his married lover! Does he show care for the friend who needs him? No. Does he show respect for the mental anguish she is suffering? No. He sends the POLICE around to check on her welfare! Since this happened, this lovely lady has shut down, well and truly become non trusting, non believing, cannot begin to heal when such a slap in the face has been dealt by a friend who has dropped the ball.Why so, do men feel it is best to ignore, walk away, shut you out? Do you not realise this does not help? Sure, you want it to be over, you want to move on. Why so would you then become mute? Ignoring the pleas of a person in need. Yes, we females are complex creatures, we wear our hearts on our sleeves, tap into emotions you cannot understand. By becoming silent, you escalate the problem of a woman turning into a bunny boiler..........or in the case of this lady, loss of apetite/sleep/sanity/respect. I hear from her child she has not eaten in days, has not slept in days and refuses to leave her bedroom.Why the silent treatment? Does it work or are you just trying to be assholes?Written from curiosity, yes this is going on right now.

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RHP User

16 years ago

In reply to Nick..........well, let's revisit this situation with you when you finally wake up that human beings interact, be it male or female or whatever. We inherantly need companionship and your attitude is that of a typical male young boy who wants it all, but cannot see the forest for the trees.Customer, yes, not to be overly rude, this is aimed at the males..........hear the crickets & echo from them not wanting to comment?In seriousness, I applaud Nick for being open & honest, we all have our own opinions.

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RHP User

16 years ago

He is an arshole. Random

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RHP User

16 years ago

i cannot comment on the guy and your friend...your roundabout way of describing the situation i understand is for protection...i have several female friends who are going through extremely difficult times at the moment...i am there for them as much as i am able to give of myself...my son takes a lot of my free time...he is a very difficult person to handle...and i do believe that he may be bi-polar, given his erratic behaviour and moodswings...so do i withdraw...yes i do...as i need time and space for interspection...to work on my problems...as well as my friends...would i ever withdraw myself intentionally...not if i can help it...i feel that i know where your friend is "at"...it will get better...i cannot speak for other guys, only tell you from my perspective...wishing you and your friend well...cheersjose

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RHP User

16 years ago

It isnt a 'man' thing at all but a people thing. You women have to stop bashing men all the time and look at the big picture. Men are not to blame for all that goes wrong in a womans life. Men and women are not that different from each other. I, as a woman do not cope well with sickness. I get scared. I react badly. I have messed up big time with people I care about because I have inadequacies. This man messed up because he is human. Not because he is male.

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RHP User

16 years ago

...this is a very sad story but why oh why do we use one situation to put a whole class, sex, creed etc into a little labeled box? Men can perform poorly in any situation, so can women. It's finding the right people to be around regardless of sex or any other variable. It's sad this guy couldn't handle the situation to make things easier for this woman but another man would have handled it stoically well.Ok Nicko mate (I think I might call you mate in all my interactions with you) you are so right true friends and pets are so similar; they all give their love unconditionally and are there for you through thick and thin and mate, you only need a handful to make life a great place to live. You've lost faith in yourself not in human kind. As you say you're not functioning properly at the moment, this is ok but you need to accept this and that your problems are yours to own not human-kinds although I agree there'd be some specific humans that haven't helped your plight.Human nature can be a brutal thing and it can also be the most beautiful thing, surround yourself with humans of the later persuasion and things get better very fast. Nicko mate, you say if a friendship gets too heavy you bail but surely you understand a friendship with you would no doubt be very heavy, strained and emotionally complex???? For others to accept this and give their friendship you have to put out the same commitment. The old saying "Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you" is a basic truth no matter what your spiritual leanings. It's this truth we should always try to live up to, sure we'll all fail abysmally at times but if we try then the good-natured people will tolerate our mistakes and be there for us. I wish I could clear the fuzz and give you back the other 70%, I have my own friends in similar situations that I'm trying to help, if I figure out the solution I'll let you know!

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Mr_Invisible

16 years ago

I have the shoe on the other foot hereLast Nov I travelled to USA to be with someone and things didn't go so wellHowever before I came home we were on speaking terms and everything seemed fineWe were "going back to the beginning" to sort things outNow I'm back she won't have contact with meyet won't tell me to walk awayI've offered yet she gives no replySo women can certainly give the cold shoulder and shut down wihout a word tooI feel for your freidn especially with an illness

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RHP User

16 years ago

Well maybe it isnt that he doesnt ccare.. it could be that he feels he does care, doesnt know how to comfort her and the realisation that he must care frightens him more than anything else. How are we to know what he is thinking or what drives him to behave this way? Kind regards Stalky

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RHP User

16 years ago

This is a tough one Hotblonde..If the relationship is as tight as it kind of sounds then there is no excuse..I have friends but then i have freinds..Yes you can say aquaintences but they sound like work contacts.. Nicky maybe right, we all know who mans best friend is!

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RHP User

16 years ago

What trish said.. most guys...not me :) only know black or white horny or not happy or bitchy horny or tired horny or sick they dont want dramas, they dont want to talk for hrs about feelings? they are men...logic comes 1st... ie: whats the problem? fix it. Cant fix it? "well i cant help so il go to pub" or "your sick..dam, i wanted to go to movies...hmmm il ring someone else" If you want understanding and friendship get a New age guy or gaybie friend...or a gf :> Neo ps. iam always up the hospital visiting gf's or mates when they are sick

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RHP User

16 years ago

OK...right off the bat...I am truly sorry that this woman's life has been turned upside down.BUT. She knew from the start that her feelings for this man were not reciprocated.She knew that the "relationship" was not heading anywhere permanent.She knew he had a life apart from her.So why oh why did she rely on him so heavily?? Why didn't she rely on her family to support her?? Her children??By the sounds of things...this woman has bigger issues than her "friend" being unsupportive.I would encourage you, as her friend, to pick up the slack...and maybe suggest to her that some counselling wouldnt hurt.PEOPLE can be assholes....it is not strictly the domain of men.JMO...BJxxx

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RHP User

16 years ago

(I already wrote this out...and if its posted twice I apologise...means I'm back on moderated posting...loland I'm going from memory...so this post has had the benefit of some extra thought.)OK...off the bat...I want to say I truly feel for this woman...and I hope she gets better soon.BUT...she knew that her feelings for this man weren't reciprocated....she knew that the relationship wasn't heading anywhere permanent....she knew he had a life apart from her....so why rely on him for support??Is this some self sabotaging behaviour??Is she trying to use her illness to guilt him into staying??Why doesn't she rely on her family to help her?? Her children??And you...as her friend...why doesn't she ask you for support??It sounds like she has far greater issues than her guy friend not sticking around...I would suggest you convince her that counselling can only do her good.It takes a special kind of person to stick around when the times get really tough...and it takes a special kind of person to make you wanna stick around too.To be honest...there are not that many I would do it for...and I'm sure...even less that would do it for me.And this isn't because I don't care....on the contrary...I am a practical person...I can bandage...stitch...all that stuff...but emotional stuff...I can't fix it...and feel inadequate....so I don't really try...unless you really mean alot to me...then I will move heaven and earth to help you in any way I can.PEOPLE can let us down when we feel we need them most...it is not the exclusive domain of men.JMO...BJxxx

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RHP User

16 years ago

Quoting 'stalky' Well maybe it isnt that he doesnt ccare.. it could be that he feels he does care, doesnt know how to comfort her and the realisation that he must care frightens him more than anything else. How are we to know what he is thinking or what drives him to behave this way? Kind regards Stalky My gut feel is that Stalky is (as usual) pretty close to the mark. TBH - I read the original post a dozen times and I can't quite work out the question... but I often need someone to draw me a picture - bullet point also help me. But if I cut it down to "How you guys treat a crisis" - well I'm pretty sure we don't all respond the same way, and as always it's insulting and simplistic to assume that. A very wise poet once said "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care..... right?". Ummm - maybe the guy would prefer not to suffer.

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RHP User

16 years ago

I couldn't agree more that a really good friend would be supporting during a crisis, including offering sound guidence of thought. I also think it to be highly counter-productive for said friend to engage in mud slinging an inuendo towards other mutual friends or aquaintences. Male OR Female! ~indignant Sheen~

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Set the record straight guys.......

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