F45
Which is worst?
March 24 2018
Comments
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RHP User
8 years ago
....I am reading that this happened to you?recently?
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RHP User
8 years ago
I gave it a really good chance to heal... but it is hard as fuck. Just keeps replaying in my mind and how do you know it won’t happen again? You don’t. You just gotta shut out the negative thoughts, but when they are too strong even for the other to reassure that they are false thoughts, is all too much, sometimes. I know my situation isn’t the worst yet it still feels awful for both parties. I’m no angel I cheated a bit over 15yrs ago, so it’s karma. Oh what would drive the knife right in and twist it is if the other party doesn’t apologise or say sorry.
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RHP User
8 years ago
That should read “doesn’t apologise or *feel bad”.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I have been cheated on.. and cheated myself..Not much bothers me now.When I was younger it did.. terribly so. but.. If I came home now and caught a partner in bed with someone, I would just join in.. Then leave, and probably never come back never come back..I cannot say I have EVER been in love, so maybe that is why it doesn't hurt me..I really don't know Flygirl.. I wish I had some answers for you.. but I don't I got told once I was going to die a lonely old man in the gutter.. alone.. And I am "OK" with that..Which, sometimes I think is fucking sad in itself..People say "Time heals the pain" but THOSE people are full of fucking shit..I think, over time, we learn to adjust HOW the pain affects us..I hope Flygirl, that that is how it is for you..AND anyone else going trough that stuff<3
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RHP User
8 years ago
D ....being weak / peer pressure hmmm no thanks - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Any of those being any different.Cheating is cheating right? One of you didn't agree to that behaviour, i'm guessing you've split "about a year ago", and you still feel hurt about it.Time doesn't heal all things, it can change your perspective. Its a bit like you might be able to forgive, but can't forget. Take out the positives of your time together. Sounds like you had your heart in it , hence the way you still feel. If you don't give your heart to someone to break, you'll never suffer a broken heart right. But you will lose out on a lot more.Its a crap shoot with us humans. Put it down as a learning experience, don't change you, or what you want. ( easy to say, hard to do, i know ) Revenge......Well borrow his car and de-flea a dog in it....... But that won't change much will it.
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EarthQueen
8 years ago
Your partner cheating on you with a mutual friend who is also married. Yeah that kinda sucks. Any type of betrayal and lying is fucked up. But I do understand how it happens. This is the real world. Relationships deteriorate and people grow apart. It happens for all kinds of reasons. What shits me is when people don't own it and continue to lie. Even when its obvious to everyone that they are lying. Its just stupid and adds insult to injury. So if there is no apology then you have to wonder if they even feel that they have done anything wrong? Kind of narcissistic if they can't acknowledge your feelings? I wouldn't trust him again either if that was the case. The trust thing is hard. You know what I always say, go with your gut. Its really hard to move forward without it and sometimes people are serial cheaters. They need that rush and validation from new partners that they are attractive/desired etc.That person is going to find it very hard to be monogamous. Thats OK if they are upfront with that. But if expectations aren't aligned its only going to cause pain.
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RHP User
8 years ago
...of any flavour is almost an impossible wound to heal. It's like a fine china teacup...once broken it can be repaired but never as priceless. I asked an ex to pick up my wallet etc. and bring them to me as I'd left them behind when going to hospital some years back? She did however also went by the bank and hit the card for $4000 which I found out about post surgical. Hell I could have maybe understood her fucking someone when I was away O/S for months at a time? This one ...naaa the cup is broken forever. ⚡️ - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Each situation is different and affects people differently. In my case I took the time to sort out issues within myself first as I really do care about me and this other person. I guess when they say love conquers all, you have to fill yourself with love, kindness and forgiveness first before you can give that out to someone else without feeling they are taking something from you. You willingly give a portion of what you can to them, without compromising your own self worth. It is a very very fine line. When you have hope and love and most importantly a vision, you both put in the hard yards - it will never not work out. It’s because people don’t have a clear vision, don’t know their own boundaries, cannot communicate these boundaries, just give up and give in. Eg, I don’t want children but a couple needs some sort of hobby to spend time together with. I ain’t gonna swing, so maybe dogs? Responsibility brings the joy of looking after them - having something to live for is key. I know it sounds simple, but I don’t want to go too fast and screw up my life. In times of need I want to go back and think why did I start. Money and happiness are the 2 most elusive things and never should be the ultimate goal in anything. Chasing those and not your real passions means that those 2 things will never be enough and will not sustain. I read articles (actually some wisdom from google!) life after infidelity, particularly staying together after infidelity. Some couples can’t handle swinging. I cannot handle swinging. It is true that we can’t keep bringing it up to hurt the other, but it’s becUse we are hurting or trying to even the score by using resentment. I try to outline what I’d like to see and what hurts me and admitting that to myself - it’s fucking hardddd. Even laying my heart out for myself to see. Why am I like this? Why do I want to be with this person? Why why why... I drive myself nuts but the answer does come to me eventually. It always comes back to love, especially after a sleep.
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RHP User
8 years ago
You still got time! It is hard to reverse damage that other people inflict onto you, knowingly or not. Sometimes I even find myself saying the most subtle lies because someone else claimed me to be that. I must have let it in and half believed them because I really do try to remain curious with a wonder for life and relationships. I tried to explain this to my partner - he openly admitted that he doesn’t know what love is, when you explained your story, it is so much like what my partner is feeling, so thank you for explaining that. Love is a feeling different from everyone and when harnessed correctly it has so much healing power. I have seen positive people to be the strongest that i know, they don’t let shit in. Just brush it off as much as they can, but then they don’t allow for vulnerability to experience the beauty. The ones that hate the world tend to feel they have nothing to give because they are still broken inside. That’s when they don’t love themselves, hate everyone and everything, fearful of rejection, bury their feelings even deeper, make their walls thicker, block out thinking, become robotic. It’s a terrible thing to see. Life has so much beauty and I want my partner to experience even the smallest bit of what I see, the wonder of my childhood. Believing in fairytales as stupid as that sounds, provides hope. I stop believing and thought it was uncool until I saw females older than me so into Disney and not letting that innocence fade. I still let my inner child out everyday. She learns faster than me lol I made myself watch Never Ending Story last night and the morale of the story was when you fill emptiness with love that is the answer to not hold your heart/something you really care about prisoner. Love is tender, it really does not harm. When I tell my partner or ex (whatever I’m not sure atm because he can only talk about it so far before shutting down, he has gotten A LOT better though). It also is the strength to let go of the pain. When you let yourself love yourself, little by little you will realise how wrong people are for judging. I see people swinging and getting addicted, yes it is fun but it’s a vice to cover up other things that they don’t want to deal with. When you realise all this, you can see where people are going wrong, continuing to listen to a voice somewhere along the line. Be aware of which voice you listen to...
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RHP User
8 years ago
Do you want to be right or do you want to be successful? In business, that meant are you going to argue with the customer and exercise/abuse your power to be right or do you want that person to come back and be your best patron, loyal and trusting to your cause? Same when you get a fine, does the police officer want to be right? Or do they want to make sure you learn so that you and others can be safe? When I apply that, success without harm to others makes everyone happy. Except for jealous people lol which... I think aussies get tall poppy syndrome because we see greed. But when it’s not greed and it’s genuine we love that. This comes back to aligning with the topic. I want to have a successful relationship and am willing to sacrifice being right, so I can learn from fuck ups. Getting my hands dirty 😝
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RHP User
8 years ago
Yeah / Nah. You aren't the lone ranger on that one and no its not sad in my view. Its just life. 😜 - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
There is no std in my case. Just a straight forward, non-communication of going to a party and fucking someone random due to routine peer pressure at the start of the relationship. It is a very uncomplicated act of betrayal, but the repercussions were complex. It leaves my confidence a little shakey. I know it’s not the end of the world whatever I decide. It feels like the worst but I know it’s not that bad in comparison to the nastiness out there. I don’t think in either case of betrayal, either of us wanted a relationship with that other person. It was a mere curiosity of exploring our own feelings after changes in a relationship or relationship status. I regard intimacy very highly and don’t really enjoy watching someone I care about fucking someone else, no matter what. I tried to see it as my partner enjoying it but I just found I’d turn a blind eye to it, for it to only hurt me a lot later on. I have the inability to separate love and lust as its entwined. Ew, the imagery just grossed me out tbh. 😓 Thanks for the well wishes and sorry that happened to you @Inspirit 😰 That is goddamn awful and yeah you have every right to be resentful. Some humans are very bad at explaining or good at finding excuses take advantage of others and really fuck it all up. Learning the hard way is the shittiest. But in a a better place now! 🙌🙌🙌 @Meander (keep going to write Summer) - thanks for your words of wisdom. Ain’t it the truth.
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MsSuperFoxy
8 years ago
I'm sorry you were placed in that position. IMO it doesn't matter what examples you give, betrayals are very complex and are very individual personal experiences that differ from person to person. The saddest thing about betrayals is that it never comes from enemies. To feel betrayed that person must feel trust from the person who betrayed them, (who acted in violation of trust (verbally or non-verbal). Why is it, most hear the word "betrayed" and automatically think of affairs? 🤔 I believe that's not the case, as betrayals come in many forms and can be quite complicated in human relationships. Some betrayals leave us no choice but to act alone to heal and move on from a vulnerable state. Ms Foxy
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RHP User
8 years ago
Quoting Foxy "Why is it, most hear the word 'betrayed' and automatically think of affairs" Betrayal is always to do with affairs of the heart. Regardless of the ingredients. IMO. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Your partner lied to you for 25 years and never liked or wanted to have sexy with you And turns around and says the best sex she ever had was with her abusive BF she left for you and uses it and sex as a weapon against you .......... And yes that did happen and Rhys now why I'm single. ....... I could forgive for cheating in any way, but not for what I got 😡😡😡 - Posted from rhpmobile
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EarthQueen
8 years ago
He is a lucky man to have someone willing to fight so hard for what you have. I hope he doesn't take it for grantedHugs xx
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RHP User
8 years ago
It’s so great how we can relate to each other even in the smallest ways. @Foxxxy - agreed Cheating is the most common form of betrayal but it could be someone not keeping to a promise or things weren’t communicated properly and a total miscommunication lead to a broken promise or implied vow. That’s how I see it. It’s funny how what some people may think is rational, how others will perceive it differently. @Inspirit- I though I could do it but I can’t do it alone. What I asked for may not leave him enough room to grow. So I’m mindful of that too. I couldn’t imagine being trapped and I am the one trapping myself. @EarthQueen - Thank you. I don’t think I will ever stop trying to find that best friend. It is me that is grateful for the opportunities that i get. @FuninPerth - that is terrible treatment but you are here with some good people - thanks for sharing. I hope in school, the next generations will learn how to treat each other and get to basics. The world is messed up. Understanding yourself is so important. That is wisdom that should be passed down and learnt through experience. Relationship and emotional survival skills are a thing! Something AI can’t beat us at yet! 😋
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earthpig
8 years ago
..if it was the same sex... I would ask to join in....
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AnnieWhichway
8 years ago
I've cheated. And I've been cheated on. All part of our DNA for not being monogamous life forms. Hurts like he'll to hurt someone like that. So from my experience IRL and also being inundated with messages from attached guys, trust no one. Sad l know but I'm happy to remain living singularly forever
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EarthQueen
8 years ago
Coincidentally I just picked up a copy of Esther Perels book The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infedelity and started reading it. Very interesting and just in the first chapter it’s already challenging my perceptions. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
8 years ago
Tell us a bit more please? I feel I could write a book on affairs and shit... but.. I cannot write :) I may like "State of affairs" though :)
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madotara69
8 years ago
Quoting 'cavey50' I have been cheated on.. and cheated myself..Not much bothers me now.When I was younger it did.. terribly so. but.. If I came home now and caught a partner in bed with someone, I would just join in.. Then leave, and probably never come back never come back..I cannot say I have EVER been in love, so maybe that is why it doesn't hurt me..I really don't know Flygirl.. I wish I had some answers for you.. but I don't I got told once I was going to die a lonely old man in the gutter.. alone.. And I am "OK" with that..Which, sometimes I think is fucking sad in itself..People say "Time heals the pain" but THOSE people are full of fucking shit..I think, over time, we learn to adjust HOW the pain affects us..I hope Flygirl, that that is how it is for you..AND anyone else going trough that stuff<3 Well you could take for granted, the gutter, which ever one it may be, half your luck if it meets at the crossroads, maybe a little less peaceful, although I think of this type of predicament occasionally, new kerbside gutters with colour stencil is quite a tidy look, one section has Sir Walter medium cut lawn, a clean foot path, white picket fence, a light whispy well manacured hedge and a lovely character estate. I've saved the location to maps, so it will be there to find there clear to the end. You pay for curb side guttering in your rates, whether you have any curb, even dirt, it's paid for by you and so that could be a comforting thought in the final few moments, you can't be alone, not if you have some old stories to tell yourself and you can by all means, dramatise the highlights, perform your own stunts and suppose in the final breath of air, just one memory in passing. Now here's the safety net, if you can't think of anything you would want to remember, you have one saved in maps if you think ahead and have your last affairs tidy and well, in HD format so stunning picture for detail, perfect. Mado Mado Tara xx
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EarthQueen
8 years ago
I have only just started so haven't much to report. She does do a TED talk on the basic premise of the book which is on youtube but I am finding her writing more engaging than her speaking. I guess what I am finding interesting so far is what constitutes an affair when we have so many opportunities to be unfaithful in this day and age and also her discussion of the moralising/shame that exists with them even though they are so common.
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RHP User
8 years ago
I listened to some of her YouTube videos and although I was open to the idea of swinging and why it was set up a lot of other people don’t. And that is where I may not trust someone not to betray me. I don’t know the other person’s mind. When I think of my own life, I still enjoy monogamy no matter what anyone else says. I don’t want to complicate things. I don’t need sex with different people, need porn positions, need to show off, need materialism, need narcissism, need sex parties. I’ve done a lot of crazy, near-death shit in my 20s. Got shown swinging and it scarred me for life. When people get bored they need external factors to make themselves happy for the majority. I really don’t need that. I’m happy with myself and I can make myself happy. All your stories have made me realise how grateful I am to have found someone so generous and kind hearted, yet gets anxious and angry around humans and it’s no wonder. People just gets their wires crossed and cannot figure themselves out. I think serial monogamy is for me, everything else does not really allow for other parts of me to grow. But that’s just me. I will die trying. I will keep my hope alive, let my inner child out to play and never let anybody rob me of my innocence, yet put my foot down when people around me are being flippant. Encouraging the voice of others allows me to grow too. Swinging would break me, I become desensitised because I have wired my brain to see the good in one thing and something that provides me some stability. I play in other ways. But if my partner wants to swing, I will have no choice but to go my own way and live a life of deeper meaning and not just for flippant fun. Parties enough in my day and drama and rejection is not something I enjoy. I love having a best friend in everything I do.
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tamworthguy46
8 years ago
A bit of a can of worms topic, but I suppose in a nutshell, cheating is lies, and no one likes being lied to, from a sexual perspective, I think most people could get past their partner having another sexual experience , of course every situation is different and it I think at the end of the day it's the lies and trust issues do the real damage. for me someone who cheats or lies to me, then tries to put the blame on me for their own bad behavior, I can't get past that and reconciliation on any level would be highly unlikely. Love and peace Tam
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RHP User
8 years ago
especially if there's yellow sand paper involved
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